Phandagron Chronicles (My upcoming novel, need help editing)

[GaryCXJk]

Okay, so this year I've finally participated AND finished a novel on NaNoWriMo. I am now planning on selling the novel, but I need help editing my novel. The deadline is 31st January 2014. The novel is completely finished from start to finish, it only needs some heavy editing for it to be release-ready.

Anyway, below are three links, one being the raw manuscript which I use to edit my novel. You won't be able to edit it. The second will be the same novel in PDF format. It won't be the latest version, but I'll try to generate a new version whenever I can. The third will be an ePub version, and the same counts here. This version might also be more outdated than the PDF version though.

Google Drive
PDF
ePub

I'd mostly like to know stuff like grammar mistakes and such. You can leave comments, but not suggestions, as the story itself is mostly final, and in the end I decide what goes in my novel and what doesn't. Also legal issues.

Summary

Tea Cha is a ninja. Delta Omi is a paladancer. As children they were friends, until an event caused a scar, not just with one of the two, but also between them. Now they face their greatest adventure, one that brings them from bitter rivals back to a friendship again and beyond, all while they meet new friends of their own, while they find out their bond might be stronger than they would ever imagine. Also there's wyverns.

[Prpl_Mage]

Pretty good. I like the comical narrator angle you have there. It started out great but the narrator becomes kinda passive for some chapters afterwards. With some golden returns. Also comparing to typical books of that genre, the narrator don't judge the characters behaviour in this. It could be quite effective. Like in Alice in Wonderland, the narrator isn't afraid to point out how stupid the things Alice say is. Or how little sense something makes.
Also, right at the end of the first chapter. Perhaps you could come up with something fancier than "pursuing her dreams of becoming one of the best ninjas. At the same time, Delta pursued a career as a paladin".

There are some cases where you write things like "She however didn't" and such. Try to put the "however" in the front with a comma afterwards. like "However, she didn't".
Also some cases where words like "though" appears at the start of a sentence rather than the end of it.
You also repeat some words a bit too many times in a short space. Like in the beginning you wrote "it wasn’t enough to see everything clearly. This place was clearly abandoned,". And later when you put in "Delta already had something prepared, but first she had to ace this test. First, she had to do magic,"
In the "Home again chapter" Delta says "I'll give you a call" it seemed kinda odd for the setting, or did they have phones?
There is a case when you say that " Trent meanwhile had drawn her bow", I suppose Trent is supposed to be male.
Also, at the start of the chapter "poison" you missed a t in "what you mean".
And there are some times when the vocabulary choice seems kind of simple compared to the rest of the style.

Also I'm not sure what to make of the breather chapter. No wait, it works pretty well with the chapters afterwards.

Also, while all the rpg references make me chuckle I'm not a big fan of the mentioning of wallers. Personal opinion of course.

Got about halfway through. Only meant to read a chapter or so. So great job, it kinda captivated me.

[GaryCXJk]

Pretty good. I like the comical narrator angle you have there. It started out great but the narrator becomes kinda passive for some chapters afterwards. With some golden returns. Also comparing to typical books of that genre, the narrator don't judge the characters behaviour in this. It could be quite effective. Like in Alice in Wonderland, the narrator isn't afraid to point out how stupid the things Alice say is. Or how little sense something makes.

Yeah, I kind of dropped the ball on that one. While the narrator would still remain well-behaved (the narrator might be a character in the story, but I'm not sure if I should give that role to the Asagi of this story), I kind of forgot that the narrator actually existed, although it might also be because of the more serious tone the following chapters were. The narrator could have easily returned during "A brief reunion", but I think by that point I forgot, mostly because I had to reach my daily quota.

Also, right at the end of the first chapter. Perhaps you could come up with something fancier than "pursuing her dreams of becoming one of the best ninjas. At the same time, Delta pursued a career as a paladin".

Yeah, I actually am not sure how to handle this part. Maybe after I've gotten some sleep though.

There are some cases where you write things like "She however didn't" and such. Try to put the "however" in the front with a comma afterwards. like "However, she didn't".
Also some cases where words like "though" appears at the start of a sentence rather than the end of it.
You also repeat some words a bit too many times in a short space. Like in the beginning you wrote "it wasn’t enough to see everything clearly. This place was clearly abandoned,". And later when you put in "Delta already had something prepared, but first she had to ace this test. First, she had to do magic,"

It's a flaw of mine. I've tried to fix it a few times, but it's about 75000 words, so it takes some time filtering them all out.

In the "Home again chapter" Delta says "I'll give you a call" it seemed kinda odd for the setting, or did they have phones?

Only on the floating city of Order. Everybody on Phandagron also is aware of modern technology, but they generally don't use it because "it doesn't fit our way of life".

There is a case when you say that " Trent meanwhile had drawn her bow", I suppose Trent is supposed to be male.

Bahahahaha, yeah, that was a mistake. I've found some other instances where I wrote "he" instead of "she". The "her" instead of "his" probably came because of the two female protagonists. Too much writing on females. Anyway, fixed.

Wait... I think I "fixed" it to "her" when I was working on it during NaNoWriMo. I guess my brain really farted.

Also, at the start of the chapter "poison" you missed a t in "what you mean".

Fixed.

And there are some times when the vocabulary choice seems kind of simple compared to the rest of the style.

Yeah, I think it's mainly because of the time constraint. 50000 words in 30 days does that to you.

Also I'm not sure what to make of the breather chapter. No wait, it works pretty well with the chapters afterwards.

That chapter was mostly just filler, to get to the 50000 words. I kept it in because it actually kind of made sense to me.

Also, originally the novel wasn't split up in chapters, I've added the chapters and their names afterwards. I'm not sure if I keep the name "The breather episode" or change it into something less leaning on the fourth wall.

Also, while all the rpg references make me chuckle I'm not a big fan of the mentioning of wallers. Personal opinion of course.

Actually, this one's a hint to the bigger plot point in the Digit-5 solar system. Basically, wallers are everywhere, except on K.O. Ken and Chakar. There might be a few wallers on those planets, but they are really rare and only because they gained this affliction on the other five planets. It also ties with what will later be referenced to as the Awakening. Hopefully in a future story (or game) I'll be able to explain the relevance of wallers.

Also note that wallers don't actually break the fourth wall. They think they do, but generally they don't. Well, maybe coincidentally everytime you see one, but it's mostly a mental affliction. Only one waller will truly be able to see past the fourth wall, although that person doesn't even realize that. But again, I hope I'll be able to tell h... that person's story.

For now though it's just an easter egg, kind of like how this story intertwines with the story of Clint Punchkick, as well as with that of the Order of Zaendal.

Got about halfway through. Only meant to read a chapter or so. So great job, it kinda captivated me.

Thanks, I appreciate it when people read through my stories, it's one of the reasons why I started writing.

(The other three reasons: 2) So that I can get the stories out of my head; 3) Because I'm an attention whore; 4) Chicks dig authors)

[Prpl_Mage]

Okay I finished reading the entire thing. I like it.

Just some suggestions. Make it clear to the reader at the start of that one chapter that the story is back to where it was at the beginning with the in medias res and all. An excellent opportunity for our ironic narrator to return.

There were some conversations where I wasn't sure who said what. First one being on the train after L's appearance. Second being when T and D leave L in the cabin. And then sometime later when Dominique reappears. Also, I would suggest trying to clear some of the paragraphs near the beginning of the last chapter. It just feels like you could've pushed it a little more to make it even more awesome.

And unless it's supposed to be part of your style, I would just try to rename some stuff so it doesn't sound as game-ish. Like Random Dungeons, call 'em shifting dungeons or morphing dungeons. You also talked about leveling of magic, felt like you could use empower or strengthen or something of the like. Once again, it kinda depends on what angle you're taking.
 
Overall, I think it's pretty solid and you can probably have a great thing if you work a little more on it. I mentioned it before and will again, I really liked the tone of the narrator at the beginning and would like that aspect to return. The type of omniscient narrator that knows a lot and belittles the reader by stating what is obvious in this fantasy setting of yours.

So, go Gary!

[GaryCXJk]

Okay I finished reading the entire thing. I like it.

Just some suggestions. Make it clear to the reader at the start of that one chapter that the story is back to where it was at the beginning with the in medias res and all. An excellent opportunity for our ironic narrator to return.

Originally it was supposed to be like that, but then I removed that paragraph because the original kind of blew chunks. I'll try to write it more clearly, though.

There were some conversations where I wasn't sure who said what. First one being on the train after L's appearance. Second being when T and D leave L in the cabin. And then sometime later when Dominique reappears. Also, I would suggest trying to clear some of the paragraphs near the beginning of the last chapter. It just feels like you could've pushed it a little more to make it even more awesome.

Yeah, I'm not that great with conversations. It's my one weakness. That and girls with glasses. And true love. The latter was the main reason I specifically made the main protagonists straight women, so that no romance would exist. Yeah...

About the last chapter, I originally wanted to make it a bit longer, but then I kind of realized that I still only had seven days to write it. Then after I've finished writing the novel at the end of that day I still had seven days left, but promptly forgot about it, because thank god I'm done.

And unless it's supposed to be part of your style, I would just try to rename some stuff so it doesn't sound as game-ish. Like Random Dungeons, call 'em shifting dungeons or morphing dungeons. You also talked about leveling of magic, felt like you could use empower or strengthen or something of the like. Once again, it kinda depends on what angle you're taking.

Well, random dungeons I've picked because they kind of are random in the sense that I have no idea why they are random actually, I might change it into something that completely removes the random part altogether, as the only things that are random are the loot found there, even now in its unedited state. Literally, nothing about the layout has to be changed here, maybe a wall here or there, but it's mostly about killing monsters and stuff, and the kind of mobs found on each floor is fixed.

Also, about the word level, of the two times I used the word level in correlation to skills, only one was in the sense of RPG terminology. In the first case, it's more like, "at a certain height". In the second case, Suzette's just a geek, and it kind of fits, because tinkering, computers, RPGs. Get it? Yeah, I just couldn't find a good word for that. I guess I could use "skills", but meh, it's just one instance of it.

The other two instances of the word "level" it was in the sense of "floor", kind of like how parking lots have levels. I use the two words interchangeably because it would have sounded too repetative if I constantly used "floor", and "level" is kind of the only synnonym.
 

Overall, I think it's pretty solid and you can probably have a great thing if you work a little more on it. I mentioned it before and will again, I really liked the tone of the narrator at the beginning and would like that aspect to return. The type of omniscient narrator that knows a lot and belittles the reader by stating what is obvious in this fantasy setting of yours.

So, go Gary!

Well, my goal wasn't actually to belittle the reader, it's more like some for your information thing. Remember, there are six planets circling the Digit-5 solar system in one elipsis (K.O. Ken, Phandagron, Warget, Landbox, Craneus and Zholhu), another planet circling the same sun in a wider orbit (Chakar), and one in an entirely different solar system altogether (doesn't have a name yet), and all three planets are in some way connected to each other (Chakar can just easily be reached through space travel, the planet on another solar system is reached using wormholes). That means that not every planet knows about the customs of Phandagron, or the Digit-5 solar system in general.

That, and Landbox is the planet where the most people read books, although it's kind of a tie between Phandagron and Zholhu when it comes to physical books (as most people on Landbox read on their ebook readers).

Fun fact, Warget is the planet with the lowest ratio of books read from start to finish per book purchased, although it might have been because its mortality rate is pretty high.

Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed the book.

[GaryCXJk]

Oh, haldo guys, small update.

I've finally decided that the novel is as good as done. I've gone through each chapter, and while there are a lot of points of improvement, I think overall it's pretty solid.

Anyway, for a limited time you can actually download the latest version of the novel here. If there are comments, please do give them.

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