Fisherson and Cipher321's

[Fisherson]

OKay here it is with story by Fisherson and editing by Cipher321.
This only the first chapter,so more to come and to who this novel is
protected by copyright 2007 Philomel Publishing LLC,so don't steal!

                                 Chapter one Salazar the Devastator  
                                                                               
                                     
                                 Chapter one Salazar the Devastator  
                                                                               
                                                                                                                                In frozen deepths of space there orbits a   single green world.Quite unremarkable in its apearance it is called Balzar by the native Balzari.Roughly two meters tall.They are a large,reptilian race  in small green and blue scalesor a number of other colors.They range from short and stocky,to tall and broad they have long snouted muzzles,with small needle like teeth and have long,barbed tounges.They are a hard working pepole with a strong tribal heiritage and culture.It seems imposible that one of thier own tribesman would bring about the greatest threat the Alliance of Earth had ever faced.Was this 'threat' a warrior,a soldier or a clever tactician?No. He was fisherman and a hunter.He was no ordianary Balzari hunter,he was the best hunter in all of Grashar.No beast,from the horned Hunras to the rakasza,could escape him.Even when not hunting with his rakirr mount Bakaza.He could track without his using his tounge,his eyes or his ears.How then?It is simple he claimed to be able sense their presences from within the corridors of his mind.At frist Ta'Vaash Tokair Bakorsh took this to be nonsense when the young and stocky mizur(man) came to the central hut that was the temple.He came running as if chased by a six legged Rakarah tiger. "Halt,Salazar Bakorsh,you must bow before the great Ta'chac king of Balzar. Salazar slowed and fell to the temple floor and uttered a silent prayer. "Ta'Vaash Tokair,the jungle has spoken to me!"Tokair sat down on a large cushion. "Come my young friend tell me what the jungle has told you."Salazar told the priest of the encounter he had at in the jungle.He was out hunting when he heard a voice,a ancient and solem voice.Salazar had never heard voices in his inner mind.He told him self that he was wrong,there was no voice."It was the wind in the tr.. "The wind?"said the voice"No, I am not the wind of a trick of your feeble mind,SalazarBakorsh."Salazar withdrew his weapon a long wooden handled spear with a bronze edge. He tried to focus his sense on the voice.He was having to concentrate all of mind on the voice from his mind.He found it in the hollow of a bakar tree,but just as he was getting ready to throw his fishing spear it moved swifty to the right.He focused his mind again on his target it seemed to move so fast that it was single line and then whole once again.The prey tried to escape but he had never lost his quary.The mysterious presence,sensing this,focused it's own power on the lizzard man.Suddenly Salazar was hot and sweaty then a fire exploded in his mind and body!He was surounded by bright red flames every cell in his body was on fire.He fell to the forest floor yelling in pain."Stop,please I didn't mean hurt you!!" "You,hurt me?""A weak,crippled creature like you harm me?"Said the hate filled voice.
Salazar was desprate,he said"I will pledge my life to you if you stop these flames eating at my body,I swear on my life!!The flames were gone in a blink of an eye.
Salazar felt the skin on his arms which was quite unharmed."What in hte name of Ta'chac is this" A dark,shadowy from apeared before Salazar growing more detailed and finally resolved into a tall hummanoid wearing dark green partted at the legs cloak with silver flowing script on the cowl and the sleeves.
The front of the cloak had an armored breast plate with curving edges.His cloak trailed down his shoulders nearly touching the the carpetted forest floor.There was a weapon that resembled a sword on hip.Salazar tried to look at the creatures face,but he could not see a face in the dark rim of the stranger's hood only a shadow of man's hard lined face.The hooded stranger laughed at the
young Balzari."Do not worry it was trick of your mind,you are in no danger.Sit down by the fire." "Fire??""There is no.."Salazar did not get to complete his sentince because the strange man suddenly conjured flame from two sticks suspended in the air."Who are you,and how are doing this? "Asked the young lizzardman."I shall tell you but first i must show you somthing amazing"

                             

[Moosetroop11]

As far as I can tell, Fisherson, you write fairly well- it was better than I thought it'd be, but Cipher321 hasn't done his job at all. You've missed out the space after pretty much every full stop, there needs to be more breathing time, you've missed out loads of punctuation...

Plus, I think you should think about rewriting

Salazar tried to look at the creatures face,but he could not see a face in the dark rim of the stranger's hood only a shadow of man's hard lined face.

Repeating the same word a ton of times kinda ruins the effect.

Keep it up!

[Fisherson]

Thanx Moosetroop11 i'm thinkin about rewriting the first chapter anyway i'll get
the next chapter up when i get on my computer.

[shinotebasiiackh]

Looking good. Before I say anything else though, were you looking for any criticism or just praise?