Sample Chapter

[Dominicy]

Not sure just now many of you know, but the reason I've been gone for quite some time is that 1. I've very recently gone on an Icewind Dale binge, and 2. I'm now writing a book that I will HOPEFULLY find a publisher for, somewhere on the internet.  For the sake of not inflating the thread with a wall of text, I'll just leave a link here, but feel free to comment there or here with any thoughts or criticism.  I'm not too satisfied with it, so any and all suggestions are welcome with open arms.  Thanks everyone, hope you like it and - maybe more importantly - hope it leaves you wanting more.

Teh Link

[Uberpwn_w00t]

I almost finished it, and I intend on doing so later. (I'm in a bit of a hurry right now)

My thoughts:
Aside from the usual first-draft grammar fuck-ups, it was well written. Grammar-wise.

However, it seems to be suffering from Authoricus Omnisciencus*. My earlier comics used to have this problem all the time. See, while you were writing it, you probably had a really clear image of what was going on. So, everything you put down in words made perfect sense to you, because you've probably recited these scenes in your head more than a few times. But then when the reader picks it up, it's more like he's reading a vague description of another story, that leaves out what things look like, where things are, what's going on, etc.

Kinda like seeing a movie based on a book you haven't read. And everybody who's read the book is like "YEAH COOL I KNOW THIS PART" and you're like "Whaaa?"

So I didn't really understand where things were going, although the individual scenes, (like the cutting-up-the-body scene) were written well.

Also, the characters where jumbled and confusing. You never really explained who they were, what their deal was, or what they looked like. So, by the time I got to a scene with lots of dialogue, I didn't even know who was who.

My recommendations:
-Elaborate more, earlier. Before you get too into it, make sure things have been properly explained. This applies to characters, and plot/story stuff.
-Be a perfectionist. Double check everything, fix errors, make sure it would make sense to another person. Read it aloud to yourself.


*Not a real term.

[Dominicy]

I'll have to work on the dialogue some, I suppose.  To some extent it's supposed to be confusing, seeing as it's more a glimpse into the story, more than it is the actual thing.  In reality, Tulip, Vishus and Galileo are actually likely to be actually 'seen' in the second book, or extremely late in the first.  It might seem like a bad excuse - and I'm sure it is - but you're supposed to only get the gist of what's going on, because it's a case of 'it'll all be explained soon'.  I thought it'd work as a cheap way of leaving the reader wanting more, but after reading your critique I'm having second thoughts.