MIContest 2

[Archem]

Prpl_Mage

Pros: The setting was excellent, and the world seemed believable. The main character was deep enough that I gave a damn. The dark themes were well conveyed, and it seems like I read the prologue to a nice RPG. The theme of hopelessness was pretty clear, and the ending felt like a cold opening to a gothic film.

Cons: I have gripes about the spelling, grammar, sentence structure, etc. The most noteworthy flaw was the use of the word "abdominal" instead of "abominable". Many parts of the story could have used revision. The words used fit in well, except for "peacock", which seemed kind of plucked randomly from thin air. The word "candy" didn't show up at all. The idea of "show, don't tell" faded in and out, and left something to be desired at times.

Overall: Enjoyable read, but it felt somewhat rushed. 3.5 out of 5.

[Archem]

Moosetroop11

Pros: Excellent dialogue, the conversation felt incredibly natural. The usage of the required words was so well done that I had to re-read to find them all. They just fit. The characters and setting were quite rich, and the theme of regret was very pronounced. There's a moral at the heart of this work, and I enjoyed that. It feels a shame that this is a short story; it seems that there's so much more to tell.

Cons: One or two grammar flaws, nothing serious.

Overall: Very good story, nothing too disconcerting. 4.5 out of 5.

[Archem]

Cerebus

Notes: Overuse of "corpse"

Pros: Hints of sexual abuse of a child. It's a dark theme that I like to see explored, simply because of the taboo around it. The idea of children (I think?) taking revenge on an abusive parent is grim, but effective.

Cons: Half of the required words felt very forced into place, as if you were running out of story to tell. Other words showed up too often, making themselves a bit stale. The characters were poorly described, leaving it unclear until the end that a child was involved. The plush peacock suggests that Melvin was a child, but it's unclear. The story doesn't keep me interested, and is mostly one-dimensional. Children kill abuse parent, one of them an heroes. The ending seemed a bit lame. A few grammar and spelling flaws.

Overall: Not a very memorable tale of revenge, and the theme isn't well portrayed. 2 out of 5.

[Archem]

Fruckert

Pros: Non-human characters. I like that a bit more originality popped up here. The characterizations made the motives and racial choices seem significant. I liked the plot, and the fact that the world around the two protagonists seemed to be alive and well around them. The words fit in quite well, and the two main characters' speach patterns helped flesh them out as characters even more.

Cons: The ending seemed a bit cut off, like there was one more paragraph left to read. The theme of regret was poorly conveyed, and it seemed more like a build-up towards humor was coming our way, or at least a happy ending.

Overall: I like the world you've created, and want to know a bit more about the misadventures of the anti-heroes (or, perhaps just the surviving one). 4 out of 5

[Archem]

Lucas

Pros: The character seemed like a funny fellow with a not-so-funny history. The required words fit in pretty well, too. The theme of regret was there, subtly at first, but prominently at the finale.

Cons: There didn't seem to be enough back-story to explain the suicidal nature of the main character. The ending seemed a bit dirty, too, as though we didn't learn enough about the person to care about his actions. It felt as though the theme was supposed to be humor, but you went with regret. It seems as though the ending was the only thing that filled this out well enough to make it valid. Minor grammar issues.

Overall: Good read, but it lacked a certain something worth making me stick around to read more. Its briefness is fortunate. 3 out of 5

[fruckert]

Sweet, seems like we're done.
And I placed loads higherr than I was expecting.

Now, for my rebuttal!
Both of you said I did poorly with theming, but I think you were expecting more "guilt" with regret, as opposed to the "I hate this and wish somebody would die" feeling I was going for.

I will admit outright that I am awful at endings. That criticism was well deserved. I'm going to try to fix that, though.

Confusing setting was pretty much entirely the fault of me using an "under construction" world.
Hell, at the beginning of the year, it would've been in an Edwardian steamounk setting.

BTW, Archem, you can read that primer now if you feel like it.

[Archem]

I did. Also, my concern with the theme isn't that it didn't meet expectations, but rather than I struggled to see anything regretful. It was simply a misadventure that went sour, but nothing worth regretting in the long run.

[fruckert]

steamounk
See why I didn't want to write that on my phone?
ill stop whoring all the attention now

[Meiscool]

It was good to have Archem on the team to give a second view point and also point out some things that I missed as I was judging. I feel the points he made were fair and valid

With that I declare moosetroop11 the winner of Part 1. Congratulations to to him and thanks to everyone who entered.
The second part of the contest begins now. If you're going to be a part of it, make a post saying so, that way I know who to wait for to begin judging. The rules on the first post still stand, so knock yourself out.
Now, I realize Moose's story might be a little bit difficult to make a musical theme too, considering its brevity and setting, so if people have issues making a song that goes with it, I might be coaxed into allowing the second place story (which I believe without looking back that it would be fruckert's) to be another story which a theme could be made for. I'll wait and see how people's works come along before I make that change official though.

Edit: And now, I demand three things from people.

1) Moose, tell us about "Bert".
2) Lucas, tell us what the deal was!
3) Cerebus, tell us; what did the father do to the kids? How old are the kids supposed to be?

[Prpl_Mage]

Grats!

I should read the other stories now.

[A Forgotten Legend]

Welp, time to read his story again and see what I can come up with.  It may prove to be difficult with the small amount of music, but It'll keep me from writing a symphony. haha

I'll edit this later with my entry I guess.

[Cerebus]

Cerebus

Notes: Overuse of "corpse"

Pros: Hints of sexual abuse of a child. It's a dark theme that I like to see explored, simply because of the taboo around it. The idea of children (I think?) taking revenge on an abusive parent is grim, but effective.

Cons: Half of the required words felt very forced into place, as if you were running out of story to tell. Other words showed up too often, making themselves a bit stale. The characters were poorly described, leaving it unclear until the end that a child was involved. The plush peacock suggests that Melvin was a child, but it's unclear. The story doesn't keep me interested, and is mostly one-dimensional. Children kill abuse parent, one of them an heroes. The ending seemed a bit lame. A few grammar and spelling flaws.

Overall: Not a very memorable tale of revenge, and the theme isn't well portrayed. 2 out of 5.

Well, I hate you too. Except not. But yours is a result closer to what I expected. And that's fine! I need to know what requires improvement.

Words being forced was indeed a problem. Had a hard time having a few of them fitting in there.
The overuse of certain words is mainly due to tiredness and not finding synonyms or re-wording things in a better way.
The lack of description is because I actually wanted to not make it clear right away that these were kids with their dad.
The ending was mainly me trying to find a way to have "scripture" fit. It was supposed to be different, but I decided to go for something that would fit the theme more.
For spelling mistakes, tiredness and English not being my main language.

So, next time I write something... I need to sleep before. And perhaps plan my story ahead instead of let it develop as I write it...

Thanks for judging, I'll keep those things in mind.

3) Cerebus, tell us; what did the father do to the kids? How old are the kids supposed to be?

I haven't thought about any specific details, but what I can say is that usually, "candy" is something that goes into your mouth.
As for their age, as I said in the story, Olivia is 13 and Melvin is younger. I was thinking of something like 11 years old for him.

[Archem]

Oh, hey, my personal notes were copy + pasted into the judging post for your entry. That wasn't supposed to be there. But hey, whatever. The outcome is still the same.

[Prpl_Mage]

I'm in on the music bit, gotta download me a program to make some sound though.

Anyone knows any good programs? realised that notation-typed ones were hard to understand.

[Meiscool]

Some programs are on the first page, I think AFL posted a bunch of ones you could use.

Anyone working on this?