Plot and Story Details: Provide me some feedback

[Titanhex]

Please?

Alright, I'm creating an RPG and would appreciate feedback on my storyline, characters, things like that. Just your general thoughts, suggestions, critical interpretation. Not looking for support or advice, really. Rather this is an open discussion.

There are seven characters, three continents, more than a dozen governments, and plenty of political affairs.

Three ruling continents contend for resources, land, politics and even religion. The Holy Lotus Empire, The Allied Kingdoms under Corinsye, and the coalition of the Raj Plateau and the Emerald Isles are the 3 main governing bodies of this story. (Lotusians, Corinthians, and Rajaputans.)

Each developed differently. The big players in my story, The Holy Lotus Empire, and the Allied Kingdoms, are the main focus.  The Holy Lotus Empire and the Allied Kingdoms once stood in the midst of a warm war. With breaks every few decades to maintain their own affairs, it raged on for seven centuries. The Holy Lotus empire and a majority of it's Emporers had a strong desire to expand their kingdom further, even going as far as attempting to inhabit the normally inhabitable southern Firelands, a series of islands populous with volcanic mountain ranges and savage tribal warlords (They met with failure). Due to quelling insurrections and withdrawing from badly thought-up endeavors, their hopes of expansion have been unrecognized. Now a century of cold war has left the two super-powers teetering on nuetral terms with each other.

This can be expected, as The Holy Lotus Empire was formed in a very heavy religious war campaign. The war had less to do with Gods and more to do with beliefs, social structures, and ideologies. It was a young noble named Arthur whose connections, leadership skills, and charm got him the powerful forces he needed to succeed in his crusade under the Holy Lotus banner and be crowned emperor.  However, Lotusian texts are interesting, as what must've been the young emperor's first and most influential and detrimental general is vaguely mentioned, with not even a name to credit him by or even a grave to mark his death or conclusion to his years passed service. Infact, the latter portion of Arthur's historical conquest is cryptic and shrouded in mystery.
Now, in recent times the Empire has toned down it's enticement with expansion. But with the recent passing of the Emperor, Adolfried,  Empress Maya has taken the political reigns while raising a son and daughter, causing many to wait in anticipation to her rule as she was a quiet, conservative shadow behind her own husband.

In contrast to the Holy Lotus Empire, Corinsye was ruled by Nhaos Morallum, who unified the divided Kingdoms using intense negotiation, sound reasoning, and later, measured force. However, it helps that the exponential expansion of Arthur's empire worried many of the Kingdoms not wishing to be swept up under the Holy Lotus banner, causing the negotiations to be smoother than one would have anticipated.

While the Allied Kingdoms remain as one, they each are very distinctive and different in everything from governing body and rules, to beliefs and structures. This is due to the lax and open mindedness of Nhaos's negotiations. Nhaos was more interested in creating a force to stand against the Holy Lotus empire and preserve their way of living, rather than uniting all people under a single ideology.

His ancestory ultimately falls on Thane Morallum now, who uses stern approaches and has a tendency to test boundaries. He nonetheless remains a popular king in the northern, north western and  north eastern kingdoms. In the southern half and central regions, however, he is either seen with apathy or, the farther south you go, disdain.

The Portlands of Sternwind is a kingdom of the Allied Kingdoms entangled in war with the Coalition of Raj.  It rests along the eastern coast and a decade of war has exhausted the eastern kingdoms. The war started because of Markus Wroth, the dictator of Sternwind.  
To start this story, Kristoph Wroth was a well known pirate who claimed the Portlands, a few Raj territories across the eastern ocean, and a small cove nestled somewhere inbetween. So long as Corinsye kept it's nose out of Kristoph's pirating business, Kristoph and his kin would pledge their loyalty to the Allied Kingdoms. The capital, Midbay, is a well known pirate den with a fair share of crime and corruption. Nonetheless, there are safer ports under the close eye of the Allied Kingdom navy.
The Raj army recently overthrew Markus's stronghold and operations in Raj lands, and came to see him as a nuisance and a threat. This wouldn't have been a problem, as it wasn't Allied Kingdom lands but rather Markus's own personal territory.  But when the Raj navy pushed into Sternwind to "eliminate the pirate menance." They changed all that and became a threat to the Allied Kingdoms, and so began a war.

Many rulers wanted to sever Markus, his land and his kind from the AK and allow the Rajaputans to deal with them, but if the Rajaputans gained a foothold in Midbay, they could expand and ultimately campaign against the Allied Kingdoms. Thus, the decade long war. With a long series of discussions, an ultimatum was reached by the Rajaputans to restrict any pirating activities on the Eastern ocean. Any boat outside of Sternwind water believed to be a pirate ship was subject to inspection by either government, and though it breeched the contract of Kristoph, it had to be done.

Luckily Markus doesn't have many resources to extend to his pirating business, thanks to a man known as Rowen Crowley. He has led a rebellion against Markus and his men, and is the first to truly succeed in their strife. Markus has asked for assistance from the Corinsye navy and other authorities, but they all have an excuse not to lend out men. (Though the real reason is they secretly root for Rowen and his rebellion, and are sick of the Wroth dynasties tyranny.)

Finally, the intrigue with the Southern Firelands. While the land itself is inhospitable, the rich deposits of tempered admantanium ore, a mineral that can cut through diamond, makes it hotly contested. It has also refueled the tension between the two Empires. As the savages of the south believe it to be holy land, they two have waged a defensive war against the empires, with little success. They can carve powerful weapons and armor out of the ore, but their civilization is far too underdeveloped and immersed in worship to compete against the organized, technologically advanced and efficient armies of the empires.
But some have discovered the truth about the men in the south that both governments hide in greed. Unfortunately their voice doesn't get far, thanks to the efforts of a devious organization that remains in the shadows.

And now you know the politics and happenings in the story. I'll try to clean this up a little. It's far too wordy. At the same time, I'll begin divulging information about the main protagonists and the antagonists that hate them.

[Titanhex]

Name: Lion
Age: 19
Motto: " This isn't how I want to live . . . "
Info: [spoiler]An orphan of Sternwind and the main protagonist. He missed the draft by a year. His father, a navy soldier, died in battle, and his mother died of a terrible sickness, which caused the body to rot and fall off.
His nanny often had him help take care of his sick mother. Because of this, he is use to being ordered around for what he believes to be for the greater good, though he doesn't like it.

Shortly after his mother's passing, he was taken by the orphanage, which trained children in preparation for the draft. In short, it was more of a training ground than an orphanage. With disdain towards the idea of being a soldier or in war, Lion found escape in a young boy named Minow whom he met in the back ways to the market.

He ran away from the Orphanage one year before the end of the draft, living in an abandoned home where Lion and an older boy named Dante lived. Dante said it use to be his father's, before pirates ransacked it and killed his parents. Dante and Minow would often execute the plans, while Lion would help them with his training at the orphanage. Before long, Lion was stellar at subterfuge, espionage, and thievery.

When Dante left to try to find and join Rowen's rebellion, Minow and Lion grew a lot closer. Together, they continued to steal from the pirates and do what they could for their town while remaining away from it, in their rundown house in the woods.  And it reminaed that way, until Cyra came.[/spoiler]

Name: Minow
Age: 19
Motto: " Lets think this through. There's gotta be an explanation."
Info: [spoiler]Minow is intelligent. A tactician, and a boy gifted in the arcane arts. Unfortunately, those gifted are aggressively recruited by Corinsye. Once recruited, war and power are their lifestyle. Something Minow would rather avoid. He kept his gift concealed, and hid his powers from all around him. It wasn't difficult, as his only relative was an over attached mother. His father ran out on them when he was young to become a pirate, and he escaped her smothering by staying immersed in books and staying out to listen to Dante's lectures and news about Rowen's newest attacks on Markus' men.

When Minow's mother passed away rather unexpectedly, he went to live with Dante in his old abandoned house. There in the house, he studied Rowen's tactics and practiced his magic freely. Eventually he came to meet Lion, and used the boy's nimble grace, specialized fighting, and willingness to follow direction along with his tactical intellect to formulate schemes against the pirates.
Minow often is the forefront decision maker in their friendship, and rarely does this change. Still the bonds that hold them together seem unbreakable.[/spoiler]

Name: Cyra
Age: 17
Motto: " There is good in all. Anyone can be redeemed. I believe that much."
Info: [spoiler]Cyra is the daughter of a murdered knight, felled at the hands of his own friend. Her mother and sister also killed by the same man.  The only reason she survived was because of the assistance of Monks. While she was being disciplined in the temples, her family had been killed. The Monks smuggled her out of the Kingdom and across the ocean to the east, where the Templars would take care of her.

Many monks died by the hand of the traitorous knight and his men as they defended the secret of her location. Because of both her dissappearance and the slaughtering of all monks that knew about her, it was believed that she was killed by his hands.

The Templars of Raj had ties with the Monks of Fei, and maintained those close ties even through the war. Infact some Templars were crucified for their unwillingness to go into a battle with Fei Monks in their enemy ranks, and some Monks were imprisoned for disobeying orders to assist their fellow countrymen in war.

However, the girl wasn't the only thing sent with the monks. Perhaps more important than even Cyra's life, a very detailed text describing a sensitive report by Cyra's father also went with. Unfortunately it couldn't be delivered to the one whom it needed to go, as Rajaputans weren't allowed to travel so freely through Allied Kingdom territory, especially not to the western coast through Corinsye's capital. Placing it in political hands would lead to it falling into the wrong hands, and the Monks had lost so much already. Plus, an audience would have to be requested, which could take time, time that would draw attention to them.

The traitor found refuge in the Holy Lotus Empire, which nearly broke the peace of the two kingdoms. It was believed that the plot was orchestrated by the Holy Lotus Empire itself, however they denied this, and with little proof to back it, conflict was avoided. The Empire stated that the knight was being sought, but had too large of a following in the Empire to be caught.

When Cyra was thirteen, the traitor knight had completely dissappeared. At fifteen, the Templars placed the text in her hands and sent her across the ocean in a confiscated Pirate vessel marked with Sternwind insignias. There, she would travel west with a low profile to deliver the text to a man named Marduk, a historian, scholar, and seat holder on the King's council in Corinsye. So long as she stayed quiet, it was believed that neither the traitor knight nor anyone seeking to destroy the document could find her.

Cyra wishes to do good and find the light in all people. This can often make her seem sheltered and niave. She is steadfast in her belief, and maintains a tall stature. At her best, she shines like a beacon of light and exemplifies kindness; at her worst, she is preachy and idealistic.[/spoiler]

Name: Vange
Age: 39
Motto: "How will I receive my redemption . . .  Am I even deserving of forgiveness?"
Info: [spoiler]Vange is a former knight, who deserted the army of the Allied Kingdom while in the south. Little is truly known about him. Vange's personality, and even his actions, often contradict his cause. A troubled knight on his own path to good and receive redemption, he seems to be as reliable and adamant as he is self-destructive and cold.

He began his campaign in the south, and now travels north towards Corinsye, the capital of the A.K.. There he plans on requesting an audience with the king, to tell him of what he's found out about the Firelands, and ask to be forgiven. He doesn't believe he'll recieve a pardon, but it's the closest thing to clearing his soul he can think of. Other than this, he doesn't reveal much.[/spoiler]

Name: Disembur
Age: 16
Motto: " You ask why I am so apathetic? What sorrows could I possibly fathom? I have seen my own death. Tell me, what would you do against that?"
Info: [spoiler]Disembur is a gifted, albeit blind, seer. Outside of his Kingdom, the land of Nighle, he is regarded with mixed reception. Many places abhor his kind and their magics. They believe seers tamper with the dead and pervert life with fortune telling and skeptical Gods, religions, and practices.

Wunderlund and parts of Corinsye are the only places that will welcome or accept seers. Their magic is invaluable in war though, and so is the powers of their Seer Scouts. However, they refuse to give up certain information, and will at times flat out lie on matters involving the future to those who press hard on them or force them to reveal information.

Seers are limited on what information they can tell someone. There is a strict code that seers adhere to when searching answers about the future. Sometimes seers will not be able to even find answers. However, if the information is sensitive, they are given a sixth sense to know when not to speak of it.

When a child is born blind, they're tested to become a seer. So brought about the case of this boy born with empty, ungazing blue eyes. His seer powers were amazing right off the bat. He was gifted with a curse, brought into a world he would be an outcast of, and forced to see dark omens yet to be fulfilled. Even seers who can see their own death are almost unheard of in seer circles, and regarded with apprehension. It's forbidden to reveal someone's death to them, and to have your own revealed to you is a dark omen.

While wise for such youth, Disembur sometimes says more than others care to hear, and has a sad or forlorn disposition. However he is fast to act, and comforting when engaged; though it isn't always easy to tell if he's lying or merely being kind. It can also be seen that his deep empathy can be a heavy burden to bare. In many cases, he's rather apathetic until engaged, and seems not to care about the outcome of many things. Perhaps because he's seen it a thousand times before?

Seer children are typically seperated from their parents at a young age, and tought by a priest in a home by themselves that they maintain. A few make money on the side by fortune telling to travelers. Most their income comes from the donation of villagers, who regard Seers with respect.

In the end Disembur is swept into the tidings of Cyra, Minow, Lion and Vange, and he seems to be well aware of this, and the history of each of them. He turns out to be quiet valuable, and even Vange comes to take a liking to him.[/spoiler]

Name: Dendrea
Age: 19
Motto: " Tehe, if I kissed every toad I thought was a prince I'd be undoing all the work of my sisters."
Info: [spoiler]Wunderlund's outter woods are relatively tame and normal; However, every step closer to it's heart leads to stranger and stranger sights, for within Wunderlund is the city of the dead, Necrallow.

Not all of it's inhabitants are deceased though. There are mortals who have lived there for millenniums, brought up as witchers, spirit callers, necromancers, mystics, and other unusual professions. Some mortals have even traveled into the lands from the outside, unafraid of their heartland neighbors. However, many dangers do lurk within, and one would be smart to find ways to keep the paranormal at bay.

Dendrea is a witcher herself. A generation gap between the elder witchers and the youth is evident by the carefree nature of the younger ones and the very serious, solemn elders. Within the shadowy bowels of Wunderlund Woods rival houses compete for territory under the name of the 7 Fang Lords, and the Witchers are one of them.

A Fang Lord has a main house with nearly a dozen houses underneath it. The eldest house, the house of Vlad, is ruled by Dracul, a Vampire Fang lord. It's allied with another Fang Lord, ruling under Lady Lea of the Blackwell House. It's rivaled against Ella, of the Cinder House, a Werewolf Fang Lord, and Lupil of the Worgen house.  During the peak of War against the Lotusians, a long standing Wolf fanglord named Gorge contributed an endless amount of resources to both keep the Lotusians at bay and to taking over a Witcher and Vampire house. This left them vunerable, though with no forseen enemies to attack them.

Then came the Orcens lead under Rigwarl, who toppled Gorge's house, the house of Razor, in his weakened state. Reluctantly, the six other fang lords recognized the Orcen Fanglord and the house of Rokken. The witchers maintained two houses for countless centuries of struggle, before the house of Dracul toppled them and appointed a new Vampire Fang Lord; Creeden, of the Risen House. The last remaining house of the Witchers, the house of Tzec (Pronounced Jek.) remains hyper-concentrated with guards from Corinsye, and an undefeatable bastion of the Witchers. Now, Succubi have organized their own clan, and are planning to claim a house for themselves.

Dendrea is carefree in nature. Too young to fight for the witchers, who are not a target for the other houses due to their defenses, she is able to enjoy being young and without worries. However, deep in her heart, she is worried about the greater state of her home, her elders, and her own world. However, she can sometimes be too self involved to act. Still, with the chance infront of her, she would help if she could.[/spoiler]

Name: Rosamund
Age: 19
Motto: " Recieving every answer to my countless experiments could not equal the gift of friendship. It is something I have been missing out on."
Info: [spoiler]Brahne is the technological bastion of Corinsye. Their prototypes of flying vessels and mechanically powered suits of armor make them a kingdom of wonder. Halcyon is the capital of Brahne and the place where all their greatest feats happen.

Rosa's father was a Chronologist, a studier of time theories and chrono magic. Infact, Seers who were capable of seeing past and future were of great interest to him, and often an object of his study. Unfortunately he dissappeared while on a trip to the Lotusian empire with a historian. Rosa's mother had left when she was younger, tired of her father's endless obsession with his work, and grew apart from Rosa, who took after her father.

Left with only Sabre, her dog, she picked up a lot of her fathers work, including Chronology. Unfortunately, her father had most of his work on Chronology with him when he left. Rosa is often times too involved with her experiments and sciences to make friends with others. The closest thing she has is the fellow scientists she works with on occasion, and Sabre. As she hasn't known much else though, it doesn't effect her that much.
Only until she sees what she has been missing, and is given a hand of friendship does she come to realize how lonely her life has been, and how much she truly needs human interactions.[/spoiler]

[Titanhex]

I've described the happenings of the world and jumped to the main characters and their backgrounds. Next, I'll begin a compilation of the side characters and factions that keep the story going and the heroes on their toes.

Name: Alyss
Category: Antogonist
Affiliation: Freelance Bounty Hunter; Rajaputan
Info: [spoiler]Alyss is a former Rajaputan, noticeably by her dark skin. This can make her job as a bounty hunter rather difficult, especially when it comes to getting around. However, since she is a well known bounty hunter who deals with various criminals, she is normally given permission to enter lands and areas normally off limits to any traveling Rajaputan.

She begins to track Minow and Lion after they make off with a Pirate guard's purse, deciding the few coins they'll put in her purse may be worth it. However, with each evasion the two make of her grasp, she is driven deeper and deeper to catch them, until she discovers a secret with nearly breaks the ties of their group. And her pursuit becomes all the more relentless.[/spoiler]

Name: The Dark God Savages
Category: Antogonists
Info: [spoiler]It is believed that the Firelands are native to tribes of savages who worship dark gods. Blood sacrifices, dark and fel magics, and evil, twisted creations spring up under their command. Because of this, not only is the war to obtain admantanium a resource endeavour, it's also a crusade. But there's more to it than that.
Rumor on top of rumor pours out of the southern lands, and any chance of discerning what is real and what is fairy tales becomes harder and harder.
Still few would protest the attacks on them after seeing the creations they've amassed first hand.[/spoiler]

Name: Baldur Locklier
Category: Antagonist
Affiliation: Political advisor of the Emperor and Empress; Holy Lotus Empire
Info: [spoiler]Baldur was Adolfried's political advisor. He and Adolfried often differed in their idea of what direction The Holy Lotus empire should go. Still, he was unfailingly loyal. The Lotusian people see Baldur as becoming the true voice of power, as Emperess Maya never seemed to involved anyways. There are obviously mixed feelings about this, as many believe Baldur will intensify the crusades into the Firelands, and possibly ressurect the War that has been raging for centuries. Some, on the other hand, believe that he will bring the Empire into a state of prosperity and grandeur, that he might issue in a golden age unseen since Arthur had finished his conquest.[/spoiler]

Name: Maya Aleksanter
Category: ---
Affiliation: Emperess; Holy Lotus Empire
Info: [spoiler] Maya is the widowed emperess of emperor Adolfried Aleksanter. She raises two children, a son and daughter ages 7 and 5, respectively. Edvin, the son, is next in line for the throne, while Adel shall take a political seat near near her brother.

Maya would often sit behind her husband, literally in his shadow as most his speeches were an hour before dusk. People have come to say that she dislikes the sun. However, her skin is darker than most, as she is of Raj and Lotusian descent.  Little is known about her, even what noble family she came from. She rarely speaks, which is why many are anticipating he reception speech as she takes the crown.

The people have high doubt of her ability to run a country, and believe it will all fall on Baldur's shoulders until the young Emperor is old enough to rule.[/spoiler]

Name: Thane Morallum
Category: Protagonist
Affiliation: King of Corinsye; Allied Kingdoms
Info: [spoiler]The king rules Corinsye, and thus, all of the Allied Kingdoms collectively. He has expressed interest in expanding what his ancestors have created, but has few outlets to do so. The Lotus Empire in the west is a cold ally, and the Raj are far too formidable. A few pioneers have been rounded up to explore the north and a path is being carved through the Firelands to create a southern port to explore further.

However, it's been going slow what with the mining and extraction expeditions in the Firelands. Not to mention the Crusade against the Dark God Savages have left few hardened soldiers available. Thane's two sons are 25 and 28, and have both taken an active assignment in the crusades and the exploration endeavors.

Thane is criticized for his favorable treatment of the northern territories, and has drawn various political fire from both sides of the eastern lands for not being more hardpressed on Markus Wroth and by the pirate legions and Markus's loyal followers for not taking any steps to weeding out Rowen Crowley.

His guards have been so busy with offensive maneuvers that they've let dark creatures slip by from the Firelands and attack people in the south. Many in the south have been demanding more men onpatrol and less on the crusades. However, Thane has miners that he can't leave unprotected, causing him to feel stretched thin with his men.

The only ones who seem Apathetic about him are Wunderlund, but little news comes out of Wunderlund anyways.[/spoiler]

Name: Markus Wroth
Category: Antagonist
Affiliation: Pirate Lord; Admiral; Ruler of Sternwind
Info: [spoiler]The cruel and wicked ruler of Sternwind. Many would like to see him overthrown, including his own men; but few have the guts or means to do it. Those who have tried have come to realize that Markus is an exceptionally skilled fighter, and one with little mercy.

Many question his sanity and political suave. He is ruthless and cares little for laws. Infact the majority of laws come from Corinsye, and are enforced by the navy. Loose, easily exploitable laws are in place by the pirates, who are immune to most of them thanks to Markus.

Markus' actions with the Raj caused a large deal of casualties to the navy and ports, and brought about the wrath of an unfamiliar enemy. It also nearly lost him his entire kingdom. Yet his course of action was to demand assistance, and to barely lead much assistance out of his pirating business to assist once it was given.

It is because of Markus' cruelty and disregard for the health of his lands that the embers of Rowen Crowley's rebellions turned into a flame.[/spoiler]

Name: Rowen Crowley
Category: Protagonist
Affiliation: Rebel Leader; Unknown
Info: [spoiler]Rowen Crowley's name had never reached the Portlands until he sabotaged one of Markus' pirate ships carrying valuable cargo. An investigation into the claims of what the cargo was put Markus in hot water with the Thane. It seems Markus had been stealing from the navies own supplies of adamantium ore.

If it wasn't for a note to Markus that Rowen left at the scene of the crime, it's likely Markus would find some innocent to punish for the misdeed instead. Markus' relentless search for Rowen was really began to rise when Markus found his house completely empty, as did the large bounty he placed on Rowen's head. Some say if it wasn't for Markus' futile anger and slander of Rowen, Rowen never would have amassed the numbers for a rebellion that he needed.

Men and women tired of Markus' reign would seek out Rowen, find ways to assist his cause and shelter rebels who had become known to Markus. But finding and meeting Rowen wasn't easy. Few people had ever done it, but all who did spoke highly of him. It's believed Rowen can do what he's set out to do, it's only a matter of time. Yet he is periodically criticized for not showing his face, or being in there with his loyal followers.

While the political Bounty Hunters of Corinsye claim to be searching for Rowen and his rebel group, it can easily be seen that their efforts are half-hearted. Perhaps because Markus is a liability to the Allied Kingdoms, or perhaps because dealing with Markus' temper and empty promises gives them little reason to want to help him.

Those who have met Rowen say he is charming, cunning, and graceful. They say he is everything Markus is not; even tempered, a user of wit instead of brute force, gentle, moral, and tactical. However, he and his followers lack the brute strength and army that Markus Wroth has, and so they have waited in the shadows for their time. [/spoiler]

Name: Marduk
Category: Protagonist
Affiliation: Historian; Lord of The Province of Knowledge; Allied Kingdoms
Info: [spoiler]Marduk's knowledge and documentation of all things is revered.  He is the only historian that has a seat on the political council of Corinsye. His home is a giant library, open only to those with business to conduct, knowledge to find, and a subject to study. It can be found west of the Mecha capital, Brahne, on it's own little peninsula.

The Province of Knowledge is a small area of land with a single village. It mainly produces things like paper and ink. However, it's far better known for the Library of Knowledge, where Marduk resides and thousands of scholars go. Unfortunately Marduk is far too busy to meet with guests for more than a small cup of tea while he writes and studies (He is too involved with his work to listen to them.) A lot of information and events come into his office from various kingdoms, all of which must be chronicled. Most will simply go on their way and leave him be in his office though. Librarians and Guardians tend to most of the books and deal with those who come in.

Marduk was once a tactician and general though. Historian was his secondary job, but it was his passion. When he retired, he took it up full time along with a seat on the council. He deserved it though, after his excellent work in the military. He trained some of the most elite battalions, and commanded elitist knight trinities.

In Maduk's prime he commanded three elitist trinities at once. The most notable and tragic of the three was Lucent the Brilliant, Fenrus the Pure, and Rael the Executioner. All led countless lives into battle with outstanding victories. They would often be used for very delicate work. The three were good friends, close in their relationship with one another. Lucent would use his cunning and intellect to guide them, while Rael would handle the situation when it needed to turn to brute force or killing. Fenrus would keep them on the right path, guiding them towards their objective and stay on track. All three had a family they loved, devotion to the kingdom, and distinct personalities that worked well together as they fought for a common goal. In the end their tragedy became as legendary as their names.

Marduk retired shortly after, and few generals have paralleled his excellence. Any who knew him though would not request of him to return to work after what happened. Even the King, who was his close compatriot, and who realizes even now how useful he would be, has never requested his return after his retirement. Instead he's left to spend the rest of his life doing what he's passionate about.[/spoiler]

[zuhane]

It's a bit strange having 14-year-olds involved in such a dark, deceipt-filled storyline. Maybe jump up a few ages, to make it seem more realistic. It seems
very valid, like you know what you're doing, which I like. I'd recommend maybe neatening this post up and adding a few pictures. Also, if you condense
some of your writing down a bit, you're more likely to get more replies. Anyways, keep working on it!

[Prpl_Mage]

Sounds pretty neat. Although making something original is really damn hard these days.

Just some advice.

Use the spoiler tags.
Put a character bio inside the spoiler tag and we readers just have to click on the spoiler tag to open it and stuff.

[Titanhex]

Thank you. I've taken your guys advice. Just a quickie, what do you think would be the best age for Rosa and Dendrea. 18, 19, or 20? I'm at a toss up between 18 and 20. Probably doesn't matter that much, but for some reason it bugs me, so there's gotta be something more behind it.

Anyways, I should try to condense a lot of that information so more people will read it. Maybe leave a full version in spoiler tags incase details are desired. I was also thinking of adding a places section, a factions and organizations section, and a full plot rundown section. However, I neither have a lot of places done, nor do I have very many factions and organizations in the story.  I do have a number of plot points that I haven't revealed, and would love to know if they're too cliche or predictable. I'd like to know if they're going to make the person gag and walk away or become more involved in the story. (That's a very important thing to know)

Anyways, I don't concentrate on being original. That's far too difficult, and doesn't always equate to a good story. Instead I try to incorporate things that most people can relate to and connect with, then I take my inspiration from a ton of different sources. Wars between countries, political science, history, introspection, psychology and sociology, ancient civilization, science, biology etc. etc. I try to make it my own, using my own experiences and study, not someone else's. That alone will weed out like 90% of the cliches. There are some things that happen which I do ponder if they're cliche. I mean bounty hunters and pirate lords and kings and empresses and shady politics and orphans and rebellions and all that can be very overdone, but I try to make them familiar ideas rather than the story's focus. They're actually just elements to get a job done. (Ex. The orphanage thing is actually just a bonding tool between Lion and Minow, and gives them less to be tied down to (= more reason to leave.) Other than that, their orphan experience is just a part of their background and Sternwind's history.)

(No main characters are of royal blood, destined to rule, demons angels or dragons, pirates, have powers that make them godly, an agenda to overthrow an entire nation, or any Mary Sue elements.) They're all quiet normal people, some of which just want to do big things.

As I get better at this, I'll be able to dazzle people with great stories. It's just a matter of time, practice, and errors.

Thanks for the feedback too. I'm surprised anyone read it.  BTW this isn't something I've been writing for years. I just started it about three months ago. It's getting quiet involved too. My best work yet. There's a ton of stories that can be crafted out of this little world and I'm excited.

I don't have any art skills, especially in pixel art, so I don't know how or when I'll get any pictures up. Perhaps I'll use the request thread here?

I'll have to divulge the full plot summary (That I have thought up so far) and place it in a few spoiler tags for those who don't mind having the story ruined and would like to review the ideas therein.

[Nandez]

I have to agree anything original has been done a million times over which is why originality is dieing in games.
the ages seems better at least its not 14-16 year olds saving the World.

A rpg based on War. Or least thats what I get from it you have to be careful hear.
ever heard of the rpg Love and War it was a good gamed despite the way it looked one of the biggest problems people had with it was the parts were they talked about War because it moved slow.

Your rpg seems to be heavily based on this and seems like there would be alot of dialogue involving this war that would eventually bore peopl playing until they eventually stopped playing.
If you can do it without it being slow then by all means do it if not then revamp it.
also the character themselves seem extremely cliche and I swear to God half of the motto's you used i've read or heard somewhere else before they seem to familiar to not be taken from something else.
Cyra's makes me think of Bastila from KOTOR.

Every game has cliche characters but if I was you even though its hard I would tyr to make them more original/interesting thats one of the things best about games is when you see/play a character that isn't the same old same old. Good Luck.

[Titanhex]

No worries about the war. More than anything it happens around them, not to them. It sweeps them up into it, rather than them sweeping themselves into it. So you'll hear about the war, and it'll effect some of what your characters can and can't do, but that's about it. They don't fight in the war. Infact, when the game starts, the only war is the one in the south with the Firelands, and the game doesn't go there til far far off into the game. You'll go to the Holy Lotus Empire before you'll go to the Firelands. None of them are soldiers, or at least affiliated soldiers, which means they'll focus more on themselves and current events. They're not really in a position to be world aware, with the exception of Vange.

About the mottos though, it was more of a little gimmick. You probably have heard all of them somewhere, because most people in your life have a belief like that. Some people believe that everyone has good in them. Some people want to have a bigger purpose, some people want to be forgiven, some think things through instead of act, some trade in inanimate objects in lieu of friendship. As for Dendrea and Disembur's, I think Dendrea's motto is lame (I couldn't think one up ;_;) and Disembur's is too cliche.

Anyways, all these characters are drawn from real life examples. Disembur is a personification of apathy, dissatisfaction, and depression. Lion was the main character, and a little harder to sketch out. He sort of embodies an idea that one wants to do better and bigger with their life, but doesn't know how or believe enough in themselves to do so. Infact, the opportunity is around him (He lives in a land with a terrible tyrant as ruler, and a rebel group that fights against it) but it has to be dropped in his lap before he'll do anything. Even then, he's always being told what to do. He doesn't have the confidence to realize he knows how, and he's talented. Now tell me, who hasn't been there before? Very relateable main hero.

Rosa has been involved with science, work, study, progress with big things. She's kind of like Lion's opposite. Instead of doing small things with a close friend she does big things with those she can only call colleagues, not friends. She has a pet named Sabre, but the personification of an animal is neither a replacement nor healthy. She's sort of the person who is a bit antisocial and tied up with inanimate objects and things that can't replace or return human interaction. The kind of person who desires friendship but will not give themselves time for it. Once again, very relatable.

Cyra does have your typical "I can see good in everyone and I'm a healer" bit to her. But it does come with her upbringing and what happened to her. It's a big part of her personality, that she was hurt and she wants to forgive so she can move on. She also has a huge craving to travel and see the world. She's lived in a small village with news flowing in and out, she's never seen beyond it. It was a dream come true to her for her to be given a chance to leave the little world she knew and meet he big world and learn about it hands on. Many want to leave their home town where we grew up at for god knows how many years and see the world and do something more.

Vange wants to connect with people, and have friends, but he has such big doubts about himself and such a heavy heart that he doesn't think he can. He isn't always sure that the others consider him a friend. He will often times detach himself out of fear, which will come out in a very cold manner. He believes he's a terrible person, but he wants to try so hard to fix his mistakes and redeem himself. He will often get hard on himself, and tell himself he doesn't deserve friendship. It's a very torn existence.

Some of them could probably use some polishing. Otherwise, I feel they're quiet real and believable the way I have them thought up. We'll see though. I won't know for sure until they're in a game. Hopefully I know enough about my character's motives, intentions, and thought processes to make them believable.

[Nandez]

I can see how you want to make relatable hereos and thats fine, but seeing as they are retable doens't make then unique don't get me wrong none of my character are that unique either but even though he is relatable it does make him cliche.

No matter what your character ends up as someone is going to relate to him/her.
Just I myself find playing a character that doens't relate to me seeing things through that characters eyes or how they react interesting.
Or giving the option to react to react in a diffrent way than I would.
Then again your game your characters.
Just my opion.

Good luck.
I'll play it if you make it.

[Titanhex]

For sure. In the end, it'll all come down to the final product. Originality isn't all it's cracked up to be. I've played some pretty stellar fan games. But things do have to be interesting, and those characters HAVE to be dynamic, and not static. There's gotta be that potential to change in every one of them. I've made sure to add personal conflict in each of them that they have to overcome, which will bring about change and improve their overall quality of life. As well, the very world around them will revolve upon it's own course, and will change even without their tampering. It'll be like it's own giant entity with a will much stronger than their own.

[SaiKar]

Holy Lotus Empire

Isn't that from Ogre Battle? Makes me wonder what other names you just lifted from somewhere. It really puts a shadow of lameness over what is otherwise a pretty decent storyline.

[Titanhex]

Oh hey, that's where I got it from. I actually googled it once a long time ago, when I first thought it up. It didn't yield any answers to why I came up with that idea, but I could have sworn it was familiar.

No, by the way. It's not the Holy Lotus Empire in Ogre Battle, but it's startlingly close (Which is why it didn't yield results when I googled it the first time.) Rather that's the Holy Lodis Empire. XD But for the sake of plagiarism it would be wise of me to change the name. Will think up something now that I'm aware of where I got it from and how close it is to something I have played before.

Damn, and I really liked Lotusians as a name for a people. I actually appreciate that you did point that out to me. (I seriously would have over looked it. I love Ogre Battle, but they're so expensive and hard to find that I only ever played them when I was younger at my cousin-in-laws house.)

I'll probably retain Lotus in the name somewhere. Maybe the Crimson Lotus Empire? That doesn't sound so bad.

Now, before I go on, I'm going to place some plot spoilers ahead.

This is the story as it's been developed thus far, including major spoilers.

*Caution* If you wish to read these, they will likely ruin any twist the game has in the final run, but it would be beneficial for me to know whether or not they're bad or good plot devices. */Caution*

[spoiler]The game starts with Minow and Lion a day before a ceremony praising Markus Wroth. It's actually more of a distraction for higher crimes to be commited, though it's two fold, since the rebellion can fully come to life in the streets amongst the chaos.  It's being set up, and our two protaganists are causing a bit of mischief for the pirates. Think of these two as Robin Hood in their current actions. In the end they stow away on a docked ship, and wake up in the morning after poaching a lot of food and causing a fair share of damage to the  pirate ship they're hiding on.

They make their way through a rather thug infested crowd. You catch a glimpse of the corruption in the streets, and the powerful force of the rebellion as it's voice booms through the streets and thunders off before it can be taken care of by Wroth loyals. Frighteningly, this isn't Midbay that they're at.

They have their fair share of fun and mischief before reaching their home in the outskirts of the woods. Here, a bit of dialogue takes place to open up the story, and be introduced to the two protagonists. Nothing near as in depth as their bios. On the next day, they plan out a way to rip off one of the "tax collectors" that terrorize merchants. The merchant that they help is currently waiting for Cyra to buy, but it leads to a whole chase by the guards which ends in them running into Alyss, who wouldn't mind cashing in on a couple thieves.

Luckily, Minow has devised an escape which allows them to avoid capture. They take off over the alley ways across carefully placed planks that Minow had set up earlier. They return to the merchant when the coast is clear, and drop off some of his money. Of course, Cyra notices, and speaks to them before she goes. She offers a share of her coins that she received from the Templars should they help her cross to the Western coast from the East. She also assures them they'll be doing something bigger than themselves, and helping out greatly.

Minow is skeptical, while Lion is girl struck and enticed by the idea of doing something big. [/spoiler]

This is what major plot turns you'll be seeing. This is sans the full story for condensed reading.

[spoiler]Vange is Rael. Rael is the traitor knight that murdered Cyra's father and family and took the lives of Fenrus and his family. Rael was promised by an intermediary of the Crimson Lotus Empire that his family would be returned to him if he killed his allies and remained loyal to the Empire for several years. In desperation he did so, though he never found Cyra. He quickly became known as Rael the Traitor, and then as Rael the Assassin under the Crimson Lotus Empire. When six months passed and he never recieved his family, he knew they were already dead, but his spirit was so crushed he continued his work. As he became more and more reckless and harder and harder to control, they sent him south to the Firelands in hopes that he would be killed.

In the Firelands, he learned of the Dark God Savages and the Lihwalkers. As luck would have it, he was restored to full health by the Lihwalkers after receiving a near death attack by a clan of the Dark God Savages. The two great countries only categorized all the savages as Dark God Savages. In reality, there was those who called themselves Lihwalkers that worshiped Babil, a god of virtue. They opposed the twisted and corrupt ways of the Dark God Savages, who worshiped a merciless, all-consuming dark energy. It would turn out that this war had been waged for thousands of years, before the taint of civilized countries brought their rule of greed into it. And whats more is that it had seeped out into the civilized worlds and helped shape these great civilizations.

However, these primitive men want little to do with their enemies that attack them. Their communities are very closed, which has fed the misunderstanding that often runs rampant about them. Even the Dark God Savages are this way. There are organizations that worship the same dark energy as the Dark God Savages, but the two do not communicate with or even like one another. However they're all guided by the same dark will. The same goes for the Lihwalkers and the Order of Ashes (A Paladin order), while the Lihwalkers put a face to the light energy and flourishment and named it Babil, the Order of Ashes merely follows the Code of Life and harness the Light. One group, the Scorching Order (A Dark Knight order), use the all-consuming energy, but have checks and balances on it. They work alongside the Order of Ashes to preserve balance. Only when this power falls into the wrong hands is it misused. If the massacre of these people continue though, it's unpredictable what consequences it would have on the balance of things.

Honestly, that's the major plotline of the story. Lucent had been researching this, and was in neck deep when he was murdered by Rael. What he had discovered could halt many things. It could bring many powerful figures in both nations to their knees, and expose plots woven under the nose of the most astute. He had toted this but tried to keep his messages hush-hush and low on detail when he sent messengers to report back to Marduk.  He had the monks secretly store the detailed reports with them until he could personally deliver them to Marduk. He knew anything sent to Marduk would be subjected to many eyes before it ever reached him, if it even got that far.

This is the document that Cyra has in her possession and now brings to Marduk on the Western coast. Cyra hasn't read it, but the Templars have. The Monks were ordered not to for their own safety.

Rael, thought to be dead, thanks the Lihwalkers after a year and a half of recovery and soul-searching and heads towards the Eastern Firelands to make his journey through the poorly patrolled southern Allied Kingdoms. From there, he plans on speaking to the king, asking for forgiveness, and reiterating what he's learned. It's a rather reckless move, but such is his nature and thought pattern.

He changes his name to Vange, and tries to keep his face obscured most the time. One bounty hunter does catch on, but not wanting anyone else to have a shot at the highly lucrative kill, he keeps hush about Vange while pursuing him with his own men.

Eventually, Vange deals with this using brutal force. Eventually, he runs into our three protagonists traveling, and sees an opportunity to do good when the run into trouble. They head in the same direction, and Vange welcomes the company. When Cyra reveals her identity, Vange is of course the most stricken by this, though he remains quiet. He is too afraid to ask for forgiveness. Rather, he decides to do his good deed under cover and then head to the king.

But Alyss, pursuing Minow and Lion, believes she has seen Vange's face on a wanted poster in times long since passed. She finds the bounty hunter who pursued him, and discovers Vange's identity. She is ecstatic, but cautious. She enlists the help of two Elitist knights to accompany her. Luckily the group has dragged their feet enough while meeting Disembur that she's able to catch up to them.

She runs into them, and states she doesn't care about Minow or Lion anymore. She's there for Vange now. Before they can defend him, she reveals his identity, which sends ripples throughout their group. He explains himself, and tries to tell Cyra what truly happened, and asks for her forgiveness. Speechless, she doesn't respond. It's clear though that Alyss and the two guards would be too much for their group, and he agrees to go with her as long as she doesn't harm any of them. She agrees, and Vange is hauled off while the group watches in silence.

Cyra appears unable to live up to her own beliefs, to forgive and let go. The group feels betrayed, but lost on what to do. Disembur, knowing the outcome, retains his apathy. Eventually though, Cyra comes around, and deciding she not only must know more but must test her beliefs, decides to save Vange.

This is one of the first major plot twists in the story. I do try to make it difficult to predict. After all, Vange can't be suspected of being Rael by us, or he'd easily be suspect by the actual characters. Instead he does a good job of masking himself as just a knight deserter, and a soldier who wants his country to forgive him. (It is at least partially true.)

So our two plot twists are that Vange is Rael, which the characters discover through Alyss who uses this information to at least come close to collecting the bounty on him. The other is that the Lihwalkers are being grouped in with the Dark God Savages, and that their war keeps things in balance. The other plot twist is that there are dark plots being formulated by those who would use this power to their own advantage.

So on to the next.

The Emperess is expected to be quiet and let Baldur rule. Instead, she becomes more and more brazen against him. She knows in her heart that Baldur murdered Adolfried, but lacks the evidence to convict him. The two become so heated that it tears the Lotus empire into the north and the south. It turns out the Empress is a very strong ruler who stood behind her husbands beliefs.

Baldur has a wicked artifact that he dug up using Arthur's diary hidden in the former royal sleeping quarters. (Now the Royal Advisor's chambers.) He uses it for his own dark agenda, and was the mastermind behind having Rael murder his colleagues as Lucent got closer and closer to the truth. The masses don't know this, of course, even when the Empress discovers this and reveals the truth many of his loyalists don't believe it.

(This particular point of the plot unleashes a mass of chaos across the land as the organization that's been abusing the power sources becomes unraveled.)

Before Marduk can deliver the text to the king and inform him of this vital discovery, he's murdered and the scriptures are taken. It's actually a revisit to Necrallow that the group discovers this. They end up spotting Marduk's ghost in Laaksoa Final, a valley where severed spirits roam. He describes his murder to them, and states how his library was pillaged.

(This takes place before everything unravels.)

The next is the death of Disembur. Alyss attempts to capture Vange after a very desperate moment of blind hatred and fury. Disembur steps in to stop her death blow, and is impaled by her blade and sent of the cliff. This is during a time when the group is seperated. They escape Alyss, barely, and eventually search to find Disembur. He's found by Rosa, and describes how he was so afraid of his final moments, when he'd look forward and see how he'd die. The emotions were never there when he'd see his own death, and he feared he'd die with a sense of loneliness and detachment, surrounded by strangers he had not yet met.

But he was happy now, to no longer have to wait for his death, and to be held by his friends in his final moment. Trust me, the dialogue is much more heart felt. I actually mask this part by having those around him encourage him to take his fate into his own hands, change the course of things, and try to be happy. Even in his days before dying he seems far more uplifted and into this advice, but ultimately he realizes it's bigger than him, and it's something he wants to die doing.

(This takes place after Marduk dies and just before they discover the what's really been taking place under the nose of the masses and rulers.)

Another spoiler, Rowen Crowley is a Rajaputan who actually takes an active stance in the rebellion. When you first meet him, he appears to be a mere laborer on the mission, setting up an assault on a pirate ship. He even takes you to "meet Rowen Crowley"

His origins make it almost unlikely and impossible that he'll become the new leader of Sternwind. That I haven't decided on.

I was also thinking of making Alyss an illegitimate child of Fenrus, a half Rajaputan and half Corinthian. Her identity is a shameful secret harbored by his family, though he loves his daughter and the woman he fell for. Of course, this would give Alyss motive, but would it be too much?[/spoiler]