new game

[Lt_Smith21]

i would like some comments on what every one thinks about my text for a intro do tell if its good or not.
also game name is 'Fatal Dreams' so please dont steal my title.

The end is near for me i can feel it
like a whisper in my ear telling me my time is close
the fear of it is unexplianable huants me in my dreams
like a long forgottin echo in time
oh yes its saying your time is close ill be waiting for you
but this fear or echo dont scare me for i know god is with me.
also i keep telling my self its just a dream
what is my fate will i die in my lovers arms or all alone
i have to know
i will soon see what realy happens yet no fear i am scared and then again im not
so how do i describe this this feeling well i cant
or maybe i can its like im not ready to die
but i will for my love is so strong
for the love of my life
how will i die like i said i have yet to see how or why
but i do know i cry in the end
not from the pain of my wounds but from me leaving my loved ones
in time of need
so this is my final good bye to all i care for

[DragonBlaze]

In my opinion, its too much meaningless text. All it really tells you is that this guy is troubled, it dosen't give any facts, any info, or anything, so I'd shorten it a bit.

Its written well, but it would be a lot nicer if you would've included punctuation.

[Lt_Smith21]

yeah it would thats just the rough draft.
but your right i should shorten it

[DragonBlaze]

I was just thinking, if you plan to show scenes and such in the background and have this text scrolling, it wouldn't be too long.

Can you give some info on your actual game? Story, character profiles, ect?

[Lt_Smith21]

well i don have much done all i have for now is some charas that arent finished yet and im in the middle of making the map and ect.

but i will try to post some out when i get more done.
i hope to get some out by next week or sooner

[Arcanagirl]

Here baby I made this for your thread to show something you have ready so far.  

This is one of his Heros in his game called Eiin.