Humor

[Ryos4]

A couple of riddles, and jokes. For those easily offended should not read because some are racist jokes.

For any of those who are offended by any of the written jokes, i appologies in advance.

1) There was a man in a scuba suit lieing dead in a burnt down forest, how did he die?
2) How do you start a mexican race?
3) a)What do u call 3 white men pushing a car up a hill?
b)What do u call 3 black men " " "?
c)What do u call 3 mexicans " " "?
4) a)What do u call a bunch a whites running down a hill?
b)What do u call a bunch a blacks " " "?
c) What do u call a bunch of mexicans " " "?
5) How could you tell if Adam (adam and eve) was the first human?
6)How do Canadian people spell canada?



Answer Key Below...

Dumb Yo mama jokes. To keep you busy while u think.

Yo mama so ugly,
she could make an onion cry.

Yo mama so ugly,
that even her reflection refused to look at her.

Yo mama so fat,
that when she sits on the beach shes the only one that gets a tan.

Yo mama so dumb,
that she returned a puzzle because she thought it was broken.

Other random Jokes

1)2 ships were passing in the night, one red , and one blue. They collided that night.
Last report states they were marrooned.

2)A man walks into a food mart. He picks out two birthday cakes that he had the baker to decorate them. One says happy 8th birthday Jenifer. The other says happy 11th birthday Karen.

When he went to the check out line the woman noticed he had two birthday cakes.
She said "Oh do you have twins?"
The guy said "Yeah, my wife was in labor for 3 years."


Now for the answers to the riddles.


1) The guy was scuba diving in an ocean when a fire fighting helicopter scooped him up with water and dropped him on a forest fire.
2) Throw a green card down a hill.
3) a)White Power
b)Black Power
c)Grand Thieft Auto
4) a)Avalaunch
b)MudSlide
c)Jail Break
5) He wouldnt have a belly button.
6) C,N,D  Ceh-Neh-Deh

[Ryos4]

More Jokes, didnt wanna overload on one post.

JOKE 1

A japanese guy, a portugese guy, and a mexican guy were sitting on a fishing boat eating lunch.

The japanese guy pulls out a mini mart bento, "Not another bento. If i have another bento for lunch tomarrow im gonna jump into ocean and drown myself."

The portugese guy pulls out a baloney sandwich, "Not another baloney sandwich. If i have another baloney sandwich for lunch tomarrow im gonna jump into the ocean and drown myself."

The mexican guy pulls out a hotdog. "Not another hotdog. If i get another hotdog for lunch tomarrow im gonna jump into the ocean and drown myself."

The start eating without another word.

The next day during lunch.

"Alright, sushi." Says the japanese guy.

"Sweet, an enchilada." Says the mexican guy.

"Baloney... thats it im gonna kill drown myself." Says the portugese guy and jumps into the water and drowns.

"You know whats funny," Said the japanese guy.

"What?" Ask the mexican guy.

"He makes his own lunch everyday."


JOKE 2

3 guys, a white guy and a chinese guy(hes the driver) are in the cab, while the portugese guy is in the bed, are going for a ride in a truck passing over a bridge.

"HOLY **** Dude!" The white guy yelled, "The bridge is collapsing." And the truck plunges into the water.

As they are sink the white guy rolls his window down and swims to the surface. He waits a few seconds and the chinese guy pops up right behind him.

They wait and wait for the portugese guy, for what seems like 4-5 minuets.
Then finally the portugese guy explodes out of the water.
"What took you so long?" The two guys asked the portugese guy.

Gasping for air he says. "Ho dude i couldnt open the tail gate. I nearly drowned."

JOKE 3
Three women die in a car accident and go to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Gates and welcomes them saying "you can do as you please in Heaven, just don't step on any ducks."

The women are puzzled but proceed into Heaven. Looking around, they notice there are ducks everywhere. In a matter of minutes, one of the women steps on a duck.

Saint Peter walks up to the woman with a hideously ugly man. Saint Peter shackles the man and the woman together and says, "for stepping on a duck, you have to spend eternity chained to this ugly man."

The other two women are shocked but go about their business until, sure enough, another woman steps on a duck. Immediately Saint Peter comes and shackles her to another ugly man.

The last woman tries desperately to not step on a duck. After a few months of not stepping on any ducks, Saint Peter walks up to the woman accompanied by a stunningly handsome man. He shackles the woman to the man and after a while, the woman being thrilled to be chained to such a handsome man, says "I don't know what I did to deserve this."

The man replies, "I don't know what you did lady, but I stepped on a ducK"

JOKE 4
Time magazine sent a survey to women in Arkansas, asking for their opinions on the Clinton Sex Scandal. One of the questions: Would you ever have an affair with Bill Clinton? The results were staggering!

5% — No
3% — Yes
92% — Never Again

[Razor]

Originally posted by Ryos4
There was a man in a scuba suit lieing dead in a burnt down forest, how did he die?
The guy was scuba diving in an ocean when a fire fighting helicopter scooped him up with water and dropped him on a forest fire.

Mythbusters proved that impossible.

JOKE'S ON YOU.

[Ryos4]

Dude its just a stupid joke/ riddle i remember, i didnt say it had to make sense or be real.  The thread is called humor not facts and truths.

I mean does it make sense to start a mexican race with a green card. No it doesnt.
Dont have to be such a downer.

[Razor]

I know, I know, but I like things to be real, or so unreal it's not debatable. And the fact that Mythbusters proved that wrong pleases me.

Also, we've got mexicans (probably) and Canadians on 'ere. All you need to do now is offend the Italians, Brazilians, English and Australians (perish the thought) and then you're screwed.



A political joke.



George W Bush! *ba da dish* *canned laughter*


Ok, I'm done.

[Ryos4]

Originally posted by Ryos4
A couple of riddles, and jokes.
For any of those who are offended by any of the written jokes, i appologies in advance.

Did you not see this? hmm? What should i bold it or something.  

[Razor]

I know, but offensive is offensive. Depends if people can laugh at their own race.

[Drace]

I've found a few jokes.


Sinned
The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake."


A new Army Captain

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges".
That's why we have the camel." The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges", so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges".
Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?",
No . not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."



An Irishman

An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night.
The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell again right on his face.
So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results.
Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."



Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone
who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day
long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years
we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

[Linkizcool]

Originally posted by Drace
I've found a few jokes.


Sinned
The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake."

....LMAO

[coasterkrazy]

Here's two I've always liked. Yes, they're a blonde jokes, blondes don't be offended, you could just substitute in a "a stupid person" if you wanted to or whatever.

1 - A redhead, a blonde, and a brunette are shipwrecked 20 miles from the shore, and they decide to attempt to swim back. The redhead makes it 5 miles. The brunette makes it 10 miles. The blonde makes it 19 miles, but gets tired, so she swims back.

2 - A redhead, a blonde, and a brunette are being chased by the cops when they see three potato sacks, so they hide in them. One of them sneezes so the cops investigate by giving a quick kick to each potato sack. In the first one is the redhead, who responds "Woof woof," which makes the cops think it's just a dog. In the second one is the brunette, who responds "Meow meow," which makes the cops think it's just a cat. In the third one is the blonde, who responds "POTATO POTATO."

[Ryos4]

Originally posted by coasterkrazy


2 - A redhead, a blonde, and a brunette are being chased by the cops when they see three potato sacks, so they hide in them. One of them sneezes so the cops investigate by giving a quick kick to each potato sack. In the first one is the redhead, who responds "Woof woof," which makes the cops think it's just a dog. In the second one is the brunette, who responds "Meow meow," which makes the cops think it's just a cat. In the third one is the blonde, who responds "POTATO POTATO."

Ive heard a variation of this one before.  Which i think would make more sense.  Its basically the same but they run to a farm.  One hides in a barn, another in a chicken coop, and the last one in a potato field.  And the responses were moo, cluck cluck, and po-ta-to.  

yours is funny but it kinda makes no sense for a cat and a dog to be in a potato sack.

[ivan mage]

 

1) There was a man in a scuba suit lieing dead in a burnt down forest, how did he die?

Oh! i think i know! was he picked up by a firefighting helicopter while it was getting water, and then dropped him on the burning forest? (i saw a little of that episode of mythbusters)

[FFL2and3rocks]

A man goes to the confession booth at church.
Man:"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned..."
Priest:"Okay, what have you sinned?"
Man:"I stole someone's Thanksgiving turkey. Could you please take it so I won't have this guilt anymore?"
Priest:"I can't take it. The right thing to do is to give it back to the person you stole it from."
Man:"I tried but he refused."
Priest:"Then I guess it would be alright if you were to keep the turkey."
Man:"Thank you, Father!"

Later that day, the priest went home and found out that somebody stole his Thanksgiving turkey.

[Mortuus]

A priest, a nun, a rabbi, a lawyer, a doctor, a monk, and a police officer walk into a bar at the same time and sit down at the same table.  The bartender looks at them and says, "Is this a joke?"

[Razor]

Originally posted by FFL2and3rocks
A man goes to the confession booth at church.
Man:"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned..."
Priest:"Okay, what have you sinned?"
Man:"I stole someone's Thanksgiving turkey. Could you please take it so I won't have this guilt anymore?"
Priest:"I can't take it. The right thing to do is to give it back to the person you stole it from."
Man:"I tried but he refused."
Priest:"Then I guess it would be alright if you were to keep the turkey."
Man:"Thank you, Father!"

Later that day, the priest went home and found out that somebody stole his Thanksgiving turkey.

Roflol! That one rocks!