Children Of The Sin ( Rate my story please!)

[Ephiam]

(This is the story to a project I'm working on.  I only have this done so far so I decided to get some comments to help improve upon it =) )



=========Children Of The Sin=========

Characters.


Lance
Age: 16
Gender: Male.
Weapon: His Father's sword.
Bio: When he was but a young boy a terrible fate was bestowed upon him.  It was his birthday, the happiest time for him: it was a time when his family was finally all together.  They were finally able to spend time with one and other.  Seeing as how his father was usually always away from home and his mother was busy with other things...they did not spend much time together, at all.  

It was going to be a suprise: the sword in which Lance was fascinated with.  Sure, swords were a bit dated...but Lance seemed to always prefer them.  It was his fathers: a sword in which held many stories and secrets, buffed up and completely redone to suit yet many years more.  Lance had been sent to town.  His home was away from the rather small town, near a lake which held crystal-clear water and was the perfect place for boating, trouting, and many more activities.  It was more peaceful there.

However...when he arrived home he was indeed granted a great suprise.  A suprise which surpassed all other gifts in his life.  One in which he would never forget.  The grotesque sight of his parents mangled corpse lay before him.  The room was stained with their blood: red rivers of death ran along the floor from their decapitated bodies to form larger pools of the substance.  On the floor, under the severed limbs was a banner marked with the words "Happy birthday" on it.  There had also been a cake on the table, which was by now, blood-covered and ruined.  He had been shocked.  He could not move, breath, think, anything.  Everything had left him.  However, he managed to pull himself together enough to run screaming back to town for aid.  But of course..it was already to late for his parents.

He got help.  But he later thought it useless.  He was given the word he was meant to get as a suprise.  One of the villagers offered to clean it fr him..it was the least they could do.  They offered to help him more, but were rejected.  Lance was now forever stricken with that image engraved into his head.  Burnt there, staying to forever torture and torment him whenever he dared to dream.

Later, when the war started, Lance was forced to join.  And thus begins his story.


=================

Aika
Age: 15
Gender: Female.
Weapon: Gun.
Bio: Aika is but a young girl who was taken from her family.  When the war began the soldiers from the GEN society tore through her city, killing everyone who was of no use to them and taking those who were strong enough to fight with them.  It just so happened that Lance had been there.  Lance stopped the soldiers from killing her and brought her back to the base himself.  However...he could not do the same for her family, seeing as they were dead quite a while before he arrived.  She often wonders what his reason was.  Whenever she tries to ask him he ignores her.  She usually gets fed-up with Lance, but still sticks by him.  She is currently in custody of the GEN society.  (GEN being short for Generation).

=================


Anite
Age: 23
Gender: Female.
Weapon: Creta and swords.  She refuses to use new-generation technology.
Bio: Anite is a member of TESTAMENT.  This group thinks of the world as a living, breathing organism and refer to it as "Mother Gaia."  They believe that if humans interfere to much with it, then it will defend it's self and wipe everything out.  So, because of this, they are strongly against the GEN Society and their beliefs.  

Anite was sent into the HQ of GEN in order to retrieve and send back information from GEN to TESTAMENT.  She is a sneaky, powerful and strong-minded young woman who will do anything in her power to please her superiors and bring down GEN.

=================


Ren
Age: 7-8 in appearance.  In reality he is around 2-3 years of age.
Gender: Male.
Weapon:
Bio: The youngest member of the GEN Society.  He is one of Einte's creations: a homunculus or sorts.  He, unlike the others, refuses to fight .  This is usually suspected to be because of his defection.  He was flawed when he was created and needs a special creta in order to regulate everything in his body.  This stone is embedded into his chest, and is one of his great weaknesses.  He is usually seen gallivanting about the HQ with Aika, trying to keep her company.  To Aika, he is the only one worth talking to at the HQ.
=====================================


Villains




Einte Terrin
Age: 38
Gender: Female.
Weapon: Strong physical and mental abilities.
Bio: (Only a short bio can be given here without giving away to much.)  Einte, while she was younger, studied alchemy with her best friend Blain.  Blain, of course, was considered to be her boyfriend.  

However...one glorious evening they had both finally managed to crack the secret: the secret to creating the philosophers stone.  Once this news got into the hands of of TESTAMENT, however, they quickly took matters into their own hands.  Fearing for the future of their mother, they were quickly ordered by their leader, Wilheim, to hunt down and exterminate the two alchemists before they put their theory's into action.

Einte managed to escape Wilheims grasp...but by the sacrifice of Blain.  She was stricken with sorrow and guilt, feeling that it was her fault that everything happened.  She regretted everything.  But then it finally hit here...if she was to truly create the stone then she could bring him back.  She tried to do so.  She even created a homunculus just in-case it didn't work out right...which it did not.  Her experiments with the stone failed and she was badly wounded.  However, she was able to transfer her soul to that of the Homunculus and obtained an image that sort of resembled her former one.  Doing this, however, drove her to the brink of insanity: If she could do this continuously...then she would forever try the experiment until she managed to bring Blain back.


However, like most people given the taste of power and eternal life, Einte soon forgot about this goal and went on to test her experiments further.  This led to the creation of GEN.

Here is some art of her:  
http://i85.photobucket.com/albums/k52/YashaKodachi/Einte.jpg (Just copy and paste that URL into the address bar.)

It was not drawn by me.



Wilheim
Age: late 30's.
Gender: Male
Weapon: Strong mental abilities.
Bio: Leader of TESTAMENT, Wilheim seeks to bring the secret of the philosophers stone into his grasp so that he can maintain the balance and protect mother gaia from harm.   He is overwhelmingly strong, but usually does not show it unless it is a dire situation.  He sent Anite into the GEN society in order to gather information for his use.  

Wilheim is not considered 'evil' by anyone in particular.  However, he is placed in the villains category of the story.
========================================================================================
Story


Lance, a young boy, lost his parents at a young age.  This nightmare forever pesters him, gnawing at him, hoping that he will eventually cave in and submit to the pain.  While growing up he shunned everyone who ever tried to help him.  He was traumatized by what he saw that day and every time he dared to dream it came back to haunt him.  He had been afraid...afraid that something terrible might happen again if he was ever to get close to anyone else...so he just kept to himself.

However, when the war comes about, Lance is forcefully made to join the GEN Society (GEN being short for Generation.)  A society that wished to advance the world and forcefully shove it into the future.  The boy was made  kill and to show no mercy to those opposed GEN, so he eventually was attuned to the sins in which he was made commit: they were part of his daily life now.  

However...while out on one certain mission he happened to come across a young girl:  Aika.  When he saw her something snapped inside of him, it fixed it's self and for one instant showed him something which led him to save her.  Aika was just as confused as he was,  but was never able to pry the answer from him.  Lance was able to convince their leader to not kill Aika, so she took custody inside of the HQ, making friends with one of the children there.  The child was no normal one though, he was a walking weapon, one of the leader's tools.  She saw something in him though...something that no one else had.  He made her feel comfortable and sometimes helped her get to Lance on some occasions.   Even to this day though, Aika still has not been granted her answer.



TESTAMENT, an anti-GEN society that was formed ages before GEN sent one of their best into the innards of the GEN HQ in order to retrieve information and send it back to their leader: Wilheim.  TESTAMENT was a group that thought the world was a living, breathing being and that if GEN continued to do what they did then the earth would punish all humans and purge it's self of it's sickness.

Now, both the past and future will collide to unfold an even greater story.  The story of a boy and a girl who are the keys to mankind's survival and the story of a love that was torn apart by hope.  

And so it begins....







(Well...comments are appreciated. =D.  Thanks!  )

[plightofthepureblood]

the story has some clichee moments, but generally I think you have a pretty solid foundation to work off of here.

The "living breathing mother gaia" part made me think of FF7 and Avalanche.

Make sure you deviate from that, would be my advice.


The mangled parents part, the way you described it, was straight out of a european black metal song.

Red rivers of death. Excellent.


I think if you keep at this, and give it some good non-default elements, youll have a solid game.

[NightGlider]

Sounds good, real original. Except for the whole villians killing his parents thing. Other than that the story line seems smooth, I think it would be better to add a few details here and there, to make it more interesting. Suppose that a story is just straight foward with now side lines, that would be boring. Adding stuff such as cooincidance (dunno if I spelled it right) and relations can help make you're cake delicious, lol.

[Ephiam]

I thank both of you!


Lol, some of your guesses are way off:

-I got the 'earth is a living breath thing' from science class = lol.

-I didn't even know a song had that in it.  And I got it exactly  right?

lol.  Anywhoo...those aren't realy important.  I'm just trying to make this post longer =P

Oh, by the way...His paren't were not said to have been killed by the villain.  Just saying that to get it cleared up.

[aboutasoandthis]

I think I've seen this before. I like the updates. Other than what has been posted already, I have no real comments. I think you should give more info on how exactly he was forced into the army. That could mean a draft, kidnapping, sort-of slavery. Just tell me that part, and I'm good.

Nice job.

[Ephiam]

Well...he was forced to.  Alot of people qwere forced to.  If you were able to fight then you were, no questions asked, going into it.  Einte is greedy and powerful like that.  She basically said "join or die.  There is no other option."  So, since not many wanted to die, they joined.

[DragonBlaze]

So the hero joins GEN, an organization that wants to push the world into the future, yet he uses a sword instead of a modern gun?

Otherwise, besides the parents being killed at the begining, it sounds original and pretty good.

[Ephiam]

Lol. I might change that.  I could find a way to blend it in with the story.


Also, the parent thing was not 'planned' by anyone. But that's as much as I can say. It's more on the original side than the cliche side though.


However...it might be a while though before anything comes out.  No ones seems to be interested enough to help out and I'm stuck doing it alone >.<  Might be because they have their own projects though   >.>

Meh.  Oh well, I'll get something eventualy.  

But thanks for the comments!!

[Ephiam]

SCREENS------------------
http://img178.imageshack.us/img178/531/titlescreenyw4.th.png
The Title.  It was not made by me.  I think it's quite good =)

http://img151.imageshack.us/img151/8522/screen2ps0.th.png
^Some odd place.

http://img151.imageshack.us/img151/4884/screeny3be5.th.png
the previous map in the making.


CHARACTER ART---------------(None of these are drawn by me.  All credit goes to the artist)


http://i85.photobucket.com/albums/k52/YashaKodachi/Einte.jpg
Einte

================================

NOTES

-I shall be doing this on RM2K.  I really love using that maker.  However, if you have a problem with this please say so.

[Black Massacre]

On your previous map or whatever you posted the title screen and your fan art doesn't work.

Also, your story is much like Sasuke's from Naruto.

Since, you want people to rate your story i'd give it a 6/10.

[Ephiam]

Odd..the images seem to work fine for me =




When you say "the story seems much like Sasuke from Naruto." DO you mean one of the characters in particular are like Sasuke? or the entire story and cast of character's in general?

[I Have a Sandwich]

Overall its kind of meh to me. There are some cliche moments, and the ones that aren't seem boring.

[aboutasoandthis]

I think he means the parents getting killed. You know the story right? Sasuke has a big family. Brother kills entire family. Sasuke vows revenge. Sasuke is afraid of dying so he can fight his brother, blah blah blah. Stuff like that.

It's similar, but there are some key differences. Sasuke wants vengence. He's afraid to die, unless Naruto makes him brave. Sasuke is willing to go evil to get power. Your guy was just traumatized which is a good thing. That makes them different. Since he doesn't know whodunit, he's actually more like Naruto. He doesn't wanna lose people. That's why he wants to protect the girl.

I wouldn't worry about it.

It's official, I am now a Naruto Fanboy. Get in line.

[Ephiam]

Hrmm...sorry to hear that IHAS.  I tried to make it non-boring and as original as I could.  But..I guess that shows that everyone has different tastes.  


O.o  Wow.   Naruto fanboy >.>  lol.  I never seemed to notice that.  But I don't know much about Sasuke..and I had this idea before I started watching Naruto.  However...it was..umm...alot worse then.


Hrmm..I have to ask one question though:  Does anyone have a problem qwith this being made in 2000?  I mean, RPG Maker 2000?

[plightofthepureblood]

I dont mean to be a pest, but if you use my title I made for you, be sure to give credit...