MIContest 2

[Moosetroop11]

Come on then prpl and Drenrin! Procrastination is the death of these things!

[Prpl_Mage]

Ooooh right. How much longer do I have? Can submit something this evening.

[Meiscool]

I'm just gonna leave this open until I get a fair amount of submissions. Only 2 so far (I think), so it will stay open for awhile.

[fruckert]

Screw it, I'll try to write something up.
The I'll go somewhere and toss it in Dropbox and upload it.

[fruckert]

Three days later, and I'm almost done with a draft.
Any particular grievances against swearing? As you all should know by now, I swear like a ****ing sailor.
ed: Also, does tense effect the words we have to use?
Juggling vs Juggle, etc?

[Cerebus]

All stories should make mention of these words (tense and plurality doesn't matter) at some point in the writing: Death, Candy, Peacock, Knife, Juggle, and Scripture.

[fruckert]

Didn't see that!

I'm done, I've just got to Internet and then I can upload/post it.

ed: http://db.tt/JcIMq0yM
There ya go.
Theme's "Regret".

[Meiscool]

Ok, 4 entries so far. I'd like to get one more, then I will begin the judging.

Also, do I have a second judge yet? If not, someone step up plz.

[Meiscool]

Very nice! I expected your to judge, but entering is even better

I'll wait another day to see if I can get a second judge, as I really enjoy having a second person to give opinions. If not, people will just have to be happy with the ratings that I give.

Judging will begin this weekend if all goes right.

[Archem]

If nobody else signs up in the near future, I'll judge. It's better than doing nothing two contests in a row, right?

[Meiscool]

JUDGING:

As to prevent me from having one large giant post, and allowing me to enjoy these as they come, I will rate stories in individual posts in the order they are found in the topic.

First: Prpl_Mage

Ok, let me get the bad out of the way before writing a page worth of notes about the good. First off, you did not use "candy" in your story (or at least I did not see it, and I used Find and searched "cand" and found nothing). I think I know where you meant to place it, and probably without thinking on it accidentally put another word. However, I have to dock a little bit from the score for that. Second, I had to reread a few sentences because of odd structure/flow. Lastly, I really wish you had described the rooms a bit more. I was confused because I thought it was a sealed off dome, but people from other rooms could be heard and passers in the temple... I dunno, it just didn't instantly click how the layout of the 'dungeon' looked and I couldn't get it to work perfectly with what you gave me. Minor complaints really. I'll save my major complaint for the end.

You painted a very vivid picture. Not only that, but in a short time you succeeded in creating an entirely unique and believable world using exotic names and fantasy settings. I felt I could relate to the agony and despair your character was feeling, especially since I had been arrested before and held in a cell for a day. Damn that day felt like forever. Anyways, you did a great job with the setting. Your also did a fantastic job creating a main character. You gave history, background, family, etc making a character with color. You also provided some thought provoking questions that the character had to find an answer to; in a sense it was some development. You described the actions he took quite well too, such as sliding down the wall while fishing in his pocket.

How you used the required words was excellent as well. Not exactly creative, however, it didn't feel like they were forced either (except peacock). The story revolved around a temple killing people in various ways, so your didn't have to make an excuse to use death, knives, etc.

You followed the dialog rules well, and I didn't notice any grammar issues to make particular note of, so good job there too.

My major gripe is the climax. While it was good, I felt like you could've done more with it. It felt somewhat rushed too. Turning "He wanted to fight, wanted to make it stop. But there was nothing he could do." into "his fingers began to bleed as one nail after another was torn off from digging them into the ground to save himself. As each piece of bloodied keratin silently echoed as it hit the ground, Charim realized just how futile his fight was, and decided to give in when he noticed only three nails remained". Not trying to show you up or anything, just saying that making a more sad/desperate situation would've made the climax that much more riveting and heart wrenching. I found myself really rooting for the character in the end, and I feel that more detail at the climax would've giving people even more hope for a character who had none.

SUMMARY: Excellent work in creating a piece of art with its own distinct qualities. Followed all rules aside from leaving out one word. Fit into the theme chosen very well, but could've had a stronger impact at the end.
FINAL RATING: 8/10

[Meiscool]

Second: Moosetroop11

Wow, another great one by you. This one was much shorter than the previous one I judged, but it still had as much story to tell, which is a great thing. I'll start with my complaints, which I only have one of that actually counts towards the rating; theme issues. While at the end of the story I can see how regret was the major issue, I would not have known to think of the story in that context without being told ahead of time that regret was the theme. To say that again in other words, I feel that the story suits the theme, but the theme is not as strong as say.. Prpl's was, since Hopelessness was introduced right at the start and was intermingled with the setting and characters more intimately. My other gripe is that you didn't state the link between Bert and 'I', but that is actually a compliment seeing as I WANT MOOOORE.

Your use of words is excellent, especially the words you had to use. None of them felt forced at all, and some of their uses were extremely creative. Candy as a name and Death in a quote were of particular pleasure to read. At first, as I was reading, I felt that scriptures came out of nowhere, but it was an excellent lead up to was could possibly be the most important sentence of the story.

Bert felt fascinating. I almost felt like I was sitting with him, enjoying a beer and listing to his life story. It was very interesting, and I'm also interested in knowing if he was modeled after a real person in your life?

Your stories that you have written for charas have a tendency to show a bond between two people and a 3rd outside object (A tree, and bridge, and a stripper thus far I believe). I believe this is the best one so far

SUMMARY: Excellent work with an intriguing character who left me wanting more. Rules followed to the T and all words required used and used well. The theme is not clear cut and is open to interpretation if not primed to think of regret.
FINAL RATING: 8.7/10

[Meiscool]

Third: Cerebus

Let me just start this off by stating that death is the ultimate atonement for sin, though not necessarily the greatest. Making a character take her own life because of her conscious really highlights the theme you have chosen. Adding to it the fact that another character maimed himself in order to ensure her death had meaning; your characters definitely regret what happened. Theme was your strong point without a doubt, and though the story was very short, it weighed heavy on my heart. Of the stories I have read thus far I really feel yours has the greatest match to the intended theme.

Quality had its good points and bad points. On one end, you left things up to the readers imagination, which is both good and bad. I had to imagine that they were young children who used improper English and spoke oddly. The writing itself has some bad due to grammar errors, most notably some comma problems and occasional word issues (Such as "Heavens" in the end quote). I think this was just because you were tired as you wrote it, and minor mistakes like that happen. I really like that you took the effort to color who was saying what. Though I think I could've figured it out just by looking at the difference in speech between the two characters (at least, I feel there is an obvious difference between how the two talk [which is good because it adds character depth]) the coloration made things that much easier and allowed me to read forward without back tracking. I feel the ending paragraph wraps up the story very nicely. Threw me some unexpected turns and took me down a street to a church where I found a complete ending.

How you used the words was good in some cases, natural in others, and forced in a few situations. I feel candy and peacock was kinda forced, while scriptures and knife felt natural. The sentence "was death really necessary" didn't feel natural, but then again, Oliva kinda spoke that odd way, and after I realized that the sentence didn't seem so abnormal (most people would say "did we really have to kill him" or something like that). Death could've been placed in better spots in the story though, such as at the end paragraph, or in something like "his death came too fast, that bastard". Back to peacock and candy, I wish "candy" had been explained more (as I felt it had ALOT to do with why they killed their father... I suspect rape) and I felt the peacock plush utterly destroyed my image of the characters at the time (age, etc.). Though, to say, in a story with so few lines you did well to get all the words in there and not have any feel completely forced.

It was a good read, and I'll be quite excited if you enter another story contest down the road.

SUMMARY: Excellent work that could benefit from some sentence fixing. Followed the rules perfectly and did an on-par job with word usage. I could go as far as to say that this story is the dictionary definition of its theme!

FINAL RATING: 8/10

[Meiscool]

Fourth: Fruckert

First off, yes, I would like to know more. I assumed skyrim at first, but now I don't think so lol. However, I will rate the story independently or what it is based off of, but I still want to know a little more about it.

On to the ratings. I've never been big on these kind of stories, but yours has a certain... flow to it that I was able to go with. I only had to back track once, and that was when you switch from Companion to Cat in the story. Hadda make sure we were still talking about the same character.

I'll start with how the words were used. I particularly liked how peacock and scripture was used. Peacock being used to describe something fluffing out was refreshing to see, and how you incorporated religion into economics and politics (subsequently using the word "scriptures" as you were doing it) hit a special spot for me in reading (as I like to read about how politics and religion intertwine when they should be separate).  Using candy as a drug was something I expected people to do, so I can't say I'm impressed with that. You integrated it into the heart of the story though, so it isn't out of place or anything, just underwhelming. Knife was a simple object that was used, so it felt natural, and death was used in a metaphor, which I felt was both odd and unique. Though I feel you might not have used all the words perfectly, you definitely used them in unique ways, especially peacock.

Theme was... well... yeah. The end had regret, definitely, and you primed the reader the whole way through that the actions of Boss and Cat were going to have consequences. However, I had some issues with it, as if Boss died then Cat would be free and not have to worry about his debts anymore, right? Seems like a fair trade for running for your life harder than ever before. Plot holes aside, the story did prime me for something bad to happen at the end, a lot like Prpl's. Also, a lot like his ending, your climax came fast and furious, but didn't have the power or size behind it to leave a dent in me. However, your story seems much more light-hearted (a dark story with a lack of seriousness, if that sounds right), and perhaps running for your life and losing someone you work with (even if they held you by a leash) is deserving of being considered regrettable in a light-hearted story. I'm convoluted on how to rate how well the story matched the theme. Something more regrettable occurring at the end might have made this easier to rate in this department.

Quality. Well, I gotta say, you sucked me in as I was reading it. If there are grammar errors or anything of the sort, I missed them because I was into the plot. I did do a quick skim of a recheck, but found nothing. You also had a lot more than other people, so if there is an error or two it wouldn't matter in relation to the size of your entry. Your method of narration was good and, at times, humorous. Your characters were unique, and your dialog flavorful. The only complaint I have is that it was sometimes hard to follow exactly what the two characters wanted from their adventure. Candy? Drink? Fruit? Are they all the same thing? If they are, I did not make that connection.

SUMMARY: A great tale of good length that flows impressively. Followed the rules perfectly and used the required words in some humorous ways. The theme is suitable for the attitude and direction the story goes in, though not as strong as it could be.

FINAL RATING: 8.2/10

[Meiscool]

Fifth: Lucas

Wow, I'm blown away by this one. As a story itself, it is really good! Symbolism is dear to me, especially when it doesn't take a panel of writers and English teachers to point it all out for me. Good job sir.

So, yeah, I loved the way the words were used. I particularly loved how you referenced the peacock early on with "feather", but didn't say the actual word, leaving me to anticipate how the feather will be referenced again. Candy, knife, scriptures, and death all felt natural to a nice degree, though some of those words felt a wee bit forced. Not much else to say here... so I'll just mention again that I loved the use of peacock and its assistance in a symbolical way.

The quality is great. Highly detailed, great flow, suspenseful, interesting, realistic, etc. Not much bad to say about it as far as content goes. I loved the character you made, the details you gave him... oh the details. Down to the number of teeth you gave him. I felt that was great. Just by describing a person's smile you can create a gave image, and through that image make assumptions about the character and feel surprised when the character has more to him/her than the sterotypical assumptions made. You also described the way society looks on him, which I thought was pretty cool. You gave him a past that was obviously flavorful with the scars and the deal, but you didn't tell us what the deal was... WHAT WAS THE DEAL?
*ahem* Your style of writing seemed to change as the story went on, going from an onlooker's narration to an omnipotent being who knew what the old man was thinking, to a past tense narration. This isn't exactly a bad thing, just something I felt like mentioning.
"Bam" gave me a good laugh. I think it is a terrible onomatopoeia. Nuff said. Not gonna take points off for this or anything.
Some slight issues with grammar, such as "feather lies in the floor" instead of on the floor. Minor stuff, but still must be noted.
The dialog rule stated that there should be five sentences of it. I counted five series of quotations, but two of those can be considered the same sentence (the ones with "he said" between them), so I'm docking a tiny bit because of that.

The theme is my gripe with this story. Without knowing why the character turned to killing himself, I can't feel like the character is hopeless. Without knowing the deal, I can't gain a sense of sorrow for the character. I don't know if the deal was to go on living without killing one self, in exchange for entry into heaven when he did die naturally... I don't know if the deal made him immortal and he couldn't kill himself... I just don't know. I like stories that are open to interpretation (silent hill, alan wake, etc) but I just don't have enough here for me to label specifically what makes the character (or the story) feel hopeless. I really hate this, because I feel like this story is really great and probably would've gotten the highest score from me, but I just can't give it to you with your theme not remotely matching what you wrote down. If I missed some major symbolism that was vital to linking the story to the chosen theme, hopefully the second judge will catch it!

SUMMARY: A gem among stories with an old man whose mouth I feel I know very intimately. Minor violation of rules with a great symbolic use of the required words. Finding a link between chosen theme and content of the story is difficult.

FINAL RATING: 7.3/10

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@archem; yeah, I'd love to have you on. Feel free to judge in whatever way you want whenever.