Charas Dating Stories Thread (Previously "Online Dating")

[Cerebus]

That doesn't sound creepy at all.
I say it's quite believable, though. No matter how good you may look and how awesome you can be, it's more than likely that you will attract people you do not want to date.

I wish I had some interesting stories as well, but alas I don't. Maybe if I went out more... but that's beyond my capabilities at the moment.

[Zerlina]

I guess my problem is that the type of people I attract are not the kinds of people that I want to be with. To be fair, I think it's mostly to do with age. I really value humility, ambition, empathy, intelligence, and emotional awareness, but it seems like guys my age that are attracted to me are mostly douchey, egotistical, emotionally unstable, and are more interested in drinking or showing each other up; on the other end, all the nerdy guys I've dated seem to lack ambition, or they're more interested in the idea of having a girlfriend, rather than in me as an individual.  I meet a lot of guys that are looking to latch onto a girl that's going to "fix" their lives somehow, but I don't believe that's a thing that can work. I feel like as we become adults we have the choice to acknowledge our flawed beliefs and responses in order to change them and grow, OR to dwell on all the ways we think the universe screwed us and how we deserve so much more. I guess I feel like I fit more in the former category, and I want to meet others who do, too. It just seems like either people have made the latter choice, or they're not at the point where that choice is evident yet.

You wouldn't think it would be hard to meet someone who can admit to themselves that they're not perfect, that know when they were in the wrong (and why), that don't feel the need to show everyone else up, and that see a relationship as an opportunity to give rather than just an opportunity to get. But it's actually excruciatingly hard, especially in a culture that encourages suspended adolescence, and consumerist selfishness.

[Moosetroop11]

Yeah I wasn't being entirely serious; I know it's always hard to find the right person no matter who you are.  I am in a relationship at the moment but it's so ridiculously complicated... I almost feel like it's turning me into a nastier person in a way.

[DragonBlaze]

I can't be the ONLY person with crazy dating stories. But alas, I guess I can throw another one out there. Note that this was five years ago when I was 20, and wasn't as bad as it sounds. So this girl that I pseudo met online (we had a mutual friend, but neither of us was close to that friend), and we started talking. She said she didn't have a car but wanted to hang out, but she didn't want to hang out at her place (this was the first red flag). Naturally I though this was fishy, and never arranged for us to actually hang out. Well one night, I get a call from her, saying she was left and abandoned at the McDonalds close to my apartment, and she asked if she could come over because otherwise she had to sleep on the street. Well of course I wasn't an ***hole, so I picked her up and took her back to my place. She really wanted to watch Twilight since I had it before it was out on DVD (second red flag, and it's another long story as to why I had that movie). I sat on the other side of the couch as her, and all throughout the movie she started inching closer and closer to me, until finally near the end of the movie, she leaned in and started to try and kiss me, but I pushed her away and asked how old she was. She told me 18, but I had my doubts, so all we ended up doing was cuddling. When it came time for bed, she insisted in sleeping in the same bed as me, and I allowed it. Several times during the night she tried starting things, but I kept pushing her away. Finally we both fell asleep.

She woke me up early in the morning looking terrified. I asked her what was wrong, and she said she just got a voice mail from her father saying that if she wasn't home in 10 minutes, he was going to call the cops and file a report saying she was kidnapped. I wasn't really worried and said "You're 18, he can't call the cops because you didn't come home". That's when she told me that she was actually only 15. I immediately told her to get in the car, and I drove her back to her place, fully expecting to be questioned/arrested when I dropped her off. Thank god we didn't do anything, and she said that she would tell the cops that as well. Luckily when I got to her place, there weren't any cops or anything, but then she made the comment, "I'm so glad my dad isn't waiting out here with his gun". I told her to get out of the car and sped away before the situation got any worse.

For the next few weeks she kept IMing me that she wanted to have sex. Which is when I blocked her IM and phone. For the next year, she called me at least once a week from unknown or random numbers, leaving me messages, and I even saw her walking around outside of my apartment a few times. She was full on stalking me to the point where I was creeped out. Luckily that stopped after a year, but she still tries to call me here and there, the most recent time being a few months ago.

To be honest, I have a lot of crazy dating stories and met a lot of crazy people. Luckily I have dated a lot of normal girls and had several relationships that lasted 1 ~ 2 years and a bunch more that were 1 - 6 months (my shortest was a 24 hours).

I guess my problem is that the type of people I attract are not the kinds of people that I want to be with. To be fair, I think it's mostly to do with age. I really value humility, ambition, empathy, intelligence, and emotional awareness, but it seems like guys my age that are attracted to me are mostly douchey, egotistical, emotionally unstable, and are more interested in drinking or showing each other up; on the other end, all the nerdy guys I've dated seem to lack ambition, or they're more interested in the idea of having a girlfriend, rather than in me as an individual.  I meet a lot of guys that are looking to latch onto a girl that's going to "fix" their lives somehow, but I don't believe that's a thing that can work. I feel like as we become adults we have the choice to acknowledge our flawed beliefs and responses in order to change them and grow, OR to dwell on all the ways we think the universe screwed us and how we deserve so much more. I guess I feel like I fit more in the former category, and I want to meet others who do, too. It just seems like either people have made the latter choice, or they're not at the point where that choice is evident yet.

You wouldn't think it would be hard to meet someone who can admit to themselves that they're not perfect, that know when they were in the wrong (and why), that don't feel the need to show everyone else up, and that see a relationship as an opportunity to give rather than just an opportunity to get. But it's actually excruciatingly hard, especially in a culture that encourages suspended adolescence, and consumerist selfishness.

Luckily for you, a lot of guys grow out the whole douchey, egotistical and emotionally unstable part over time. Girls (at least some of them) tend to mature faster, but it shouldn't be long before the guys catch up.

As for the bit about nerdy guys lacking ambition, etc, well that is true about a lot of nerdy guys, but then there are those nerdy guys who use their nerdyness to get ahead and get great jobs. I live in Silicon Valley, and that pretty much describes everyone out here. It's kind of awesome because us nerds rule the land, but at the same time, it's around 90% guys lol.

Yeah I wasn't being entirely serious; I know it's always hard to find the right person no matter who you are.  I am in a relationship at the moment but it's so ridiculously complicated... I almost feel like it's turning me into a nastier person in a way.

Dude, you got to get out of that ****. I'm no expert, but when you find the right person it'll just click. If she makes your life complicated, or if you're not simply happier that your with her, she probably isn't for you. I don't know your situation, but it's always a shame to waste your time on the wrong person because then you're continuously missing opportunities to meet the right person.

In any case, good luck man.

[Zerlina]

Thanks for the advice, DB. I'm thinking of taking some time to just work on my career and do some travelling and volunteering, so maybe by the time I'm done the men my age will have caught up XD.

Also, your dating stories are horrifically fantastic. I can't believe how much willpower you had, either. Was it super obvious that she was really young? Or were you just not into the whole casual sex thing?

Yeah, I agree...Moosetroop- you're the only one here who knows your relationship, but if something is causing you a ton of strife and is really complicated all the time, then it's probably not a healthy relationship. Take it from someone who's been in a lot of bad ones...if you've been together a while ask yourself if you would like to either break up or get married. You don't have to get married, but if "break up" looks really apealling, then it's probably the right choice.

[DragonBlaze]

Thanks for the advice, DB. I'm thinking of taking some time to just work on my career and do some travelling and volunteering, so maybe by the time I'm done the men my age will have caught up XD.

If there's ever a great time to do that stuff, it's when your young. It's pretty much my plan right now as with my job I can get relocated nearly anywhere in the world every six months for the first two years, before I finalize my position, so it's pretty much impossible to settle down with anyone. I won't prevent that from letting me go on dates, which led me to go on the date with the crazy lady in my first post, but it means I don't care and I'm not looking. I have to say, it's awesome to be able to focus on developing yourself and checking off things on your bucket list now.

Also, your dating stories are horrifically fantastic. I can't believe how much willpower you had, either. Was it super obvious that she was really young? Or were you just not into the whole casual sex thing?

Sadly, I have quite a few horrific dating stories, but luckily at the same time, I'm often not hurt by my terrible experiences and find that they make hilarious stories. I have many more stories, not quite as extreme as the first two, but those can wait for another day.

As for willpower. I definitely thought she was 18, but I could tell something was fishy or off, which made me not want to do anything. As for other cases, I have a strict rule of only having sex with girls I'm actually dating, which has actually saved my ass several times.

[Apex]

I don't mean to sound like a jerk, but I'm hearing a lot of excuses. Exactly HOW much do some of you expect to have in common with a girl worthy of your grace? If a girl is in the same place as you, at the same time, that already says enough. People have it in their heads that they MUST find their soul mate. That's all good and fine, but it ain't going to happen on the first try, that's for sure. How do you know what your favorite food is, if you haven't tried anything other than hamburgers? The best piece of advice I can think of, is to stop over thinking it, and take what you can get at first. That might sound like bad advice, but as long as you aren't in any physical danger, you're only going to gain experience from it. I've date probably around 10 girls, 3 of which turned into serious relationships (I'm not a record holder by any means.). I dated about 3 girls in highschool, and found it to only be annoying. Flash-forward to college, I went the 'I'm in college, I have the opportunity to meet girls with similar interest' route, and ended up with a complete psychopath. Taking that experience, I broadened my views a little, and instead of looking for a girl that hit all the targets, I started looking for girls that hit one or two. I ended up in a relationship with a Japanese girl I met at parties. She was a bit crazy, and unstable, which caused it to end pretty quickly. However, upon evaluating my experiences so far, I realized that dating a Japanese girl was the most fun, as she didn't play videogames at all, but we both had a similar goal, learn each others language. The rest of our interests we had the magic of sharing with each other, instead of arguing which Final Fantasy had the best music, we taught one another about our hobbies, and had more fun in the process. I learned a lot about her, but here's the key point, I learned more about myself.

Really that's all there is to the first few relationships you're in. Don't expect it to be final, and don't expect it to be perfect. Have fun with it, and learn what exactly you ARE looking for in a relationship. You get better at dating, and it gets easier as you go, so don't cripple yourself by not even trying. Get out there, and do what you do best. Someone will appreciate it, and finding love will be easier than you think.

 It took me a month to learn that my current girlfriend actually DOES like video games, and the same ones as me, at that.

[Prpl_Mage]

It took me a month to learn that my current girlfriend actually DOES like video games, and the same ones as me, at that.

I don't see how this could take a month, but anyway.

Apex makes a point here, people tend to look for people who are just like them. It's kinda narcissistic I suppose... Right, so when it comes to sharing most interests, and tastes and stuff, that's what I look for in friends(like you guys). People to hang out with, doing the kind of things that we both enjoy doing, talking about all the things we agree or disagree on.

My 'gal on the other hand is not a gamer of any kind, a person who thinks the first level of super mario is the most difficult thing ever created by mankind. This might seem surprising considering how much I play games, but y'know, she accepts me and the things I do and I return that respect to her. Sure, it might be boring not to bring her along for a weekend LAN, but at the same time it's kinda nice to be able to focus on the gang with the gang and on the gal with the gal.
We're still pretty similar personality-wise though, connect on other levels besides hobbies and we have kinda changed each other during our time together (for the better, I hope) and stuff.  And yeah, that works for me.

Dating stories on the other hand. I have like none. This one date went good but we realized right there that there was no future for it. Another date went really good, but my lack of attention(or social competence) made me miss all those things I should've done to show interest.

[Zerlina]

I hear what you're saying, and I think that that's actually a prevalent myth in our society- nobody's perfect so make it work. I used to believe that, then I realized what flawed logic it is, because it hinges on the assumption that it's better to be with someone who isn't exactly right for you, than to be alone.

After seeing a couple who I can honestly say "there are no two people on earth more perfect for each other," I realized that if it's not "that good" then it's not worth the emotional investment. Of course it takes work, they're not a perfect couple, and they fight sometimes- but their values, intelligence, and love for each other are so in line, and they always act like each others' best friend. It's hard to explain in person, but the energy they bring to a room is really inspiring. And I've seen this with older couples as well, who are very happy with each other.

I think what it comes down to is that accepting that no one will be absolutely perfect, and not looking for a clone of yourself, but looking for someone who's at the same level of awareness and has the same values. Call it narcissistic if you will, but if I spend a lot of time working on myself, going to therapy, being self-critical, and conciously making decisions to improve myself as a person; I've also started my own business, and built a fairly good career in a really difficult industry that requires a lot of discipline, hard work, and organization. Why would I date someone who wants to play CoD all day, and completely ignore his inner life? It's similar to working out- I work out over 5x a week, and am in arguably good shape; what's wrong with looking for a partner who's in similar shape, who puts in the same amount of time and effort as me, and who really treats their body as something sacred?

I'm really not unhappy being single, so to settle for a relationship with someone that's going to tie me down but not be fulfilling is not something that I'm interested in. I used to be, and all I had were relationships where the other person didn't fulfill me but I was there for them anyway until they were done (Fred met my ex, so I'm sure he can contest to my partner's apathy). I've just found these people to be really draining, time consuming, and selfish- but I kept giving because I believed in the myth "just make it work." And that's my fault, my responsibility, and my job to fix; I have to go after people who are emotionally "in shape," and -hey- can carry on a conversation about something that we mutually find interesting, because otherwise it's not worth the effort.

[Prpl_Mage]

And now Emi makes an even more important point.

Being alone is nothing to be ashamed of, most of my friends are single and have been for a long time. Some of them have even ignored the possibility to like, lose their virginity and stuff, to chicks who were totally into them, because it didn't feel right. Some times during the year they go out and find someone and maybe they date for a while, they change a little for their partner's sake. But they usually realize that there's no future to it, most of the time the explanation is "we didn't want the same things out of life". Or someone is a bit crazy(not the kind of crazy magnet like DB though), and then they go back to being single again. No big deal.

And no, I wouldn't say that you are narcissistic. Apex said "ain't going to happen on the first try", and I'm pretty sure that your experience with men (including the one I met) for whom you did everything but got nothing in return, you deserve to set your hopes high. 'Cuz as you said. You do not mind being alone, and that insight itself is to me, proof that you are past senseless dating for the sake of having a hubby. You don't have to settle, you should reach for someone who's worth the trouble.

[drenrin2120]

I don't really have any crazy dating stories. Though I did have sex on a pool table at my favorite bar with a girl I barely knew. We ended up dating... well, more like hooking up for the next 8 months. That was super strange. We would literally get together and just talk, drink and bang. And then she moved to Puerto Rico. So yeah, that's really unlike me. all my other dating stories are rather predictable and laid back: Girl meets boy, they date, they make it facebook official or whatever, a few months/years later they break up, super sad and wah. But it was really nice. Sometimes we would just talk to each other for hours about our lives and what we wanted to do and when we broke it off everything was kosher.

I've been single now for almost a year and I've been more fine with it than I ever have before. I've thought about trying the dating pool and there have been girls I've tried to get to go out on a date with me but have failed to for one reason or another. But everything is fine, I don't feel rushed to be in a relationship. I think people place too much value on being in a relationship rather than who they are in a relationship with. I also think people continuously trip over the difference between attraction and love.

By the way, fellow charasians, you are the only online community with which I will speak so candidly too about this stuff. Granted, being online and all kind of nullifies that sentiment, but whatever.

[Apex]

I hear what you're saying, and I think that that's actually a prevalent myth in our society- nobody's perfect so make it work. I used to believe that, then I realized what flawed logic it is, because it hinges on the assumption that it's better to be with someone who isn't exactly right for you, than to be alone.

Sorry, but you missed the point. I said nobody is going to find 'the perfect person' on their first try. You need dating experience, or you're most certainly going to get married and have kids with a person you THOUGHT was perfect, then spend the rest of your life regretting it.

Dating is like eating: you think you're favorite food is broccoli, but that's only because you haven't tasted pizza yet. Better yet, put broccoli on the pizza, experiment a little and you'll find what tastes the best for yourself. You'll never know until you try.

[drenrin2120]

"You need dating experience, or you're most certainly going to get married and have kids with a person you THOUGHT was perfect, then spend the rest of your life regretting it."

I'm sorry, that seems a bit presumptuous to me. No doubt people should certainly do everything they can to try and make sure their partner is the one they want to have kids with. I mean, to support what you've said the divorce rate in the US is pretty high at around 50%, last I checked. But that leaves another 50% of marriages that last long term. Never mind that getting married in the first place is kind of a dubious choice (IMO), I feel too many people get married too young. and by young I mean before they're 30.

and besides, even if divorce happens, the only painful part of it is financial and legal battles, which is mainly why I don't like marriage. But back to the point, jesus I've been rambling lately, the kids aren't going to suddenly become mistakes and the relationship you had isn't suddenly going to no longer mean anything. That's one thing I don't get, why people feel the need to look back on past relationships as failures. Asides from past relationships that are, in fact, complete and spectacular failures, people change and sometimes relationships don't survive the years. That alone doesn't make what was had in the moment mean anything less.


... though I love the pizza analogy haha

[Razor]

nobody is going to find 'the perfect person' on their first try.

Statistically speaking, it's bound to happen eventually.

[Meiscool]

Probably being the only person with a long standing relationship (4.5 years), I can say that Apex is 100% right.