Story for my game. Feedback needed.

[Shamefeeder]

     Okay. This is just the story of the game, and I'll sort of do this in sections, I'll explain the section of the story, and then briefly elaborate on the kind of game play I want for the part. Then wait for feedback. This is basically so that I know I'm going to have an original story and that people will actually bother playing my game.

     This takes place in a fantasy realm, but it won't be emphasized much. I'll try to keep it not so much down-to-Earth... But at least hovering!
     Here we go:

You are a small boy named _______. You're living with your father in a desolate mining town. You're father is very poor, but manages to afford the basics (food, a SMALL house, etc...). Since you are only 7 years old you're pretty optimistic. Until your father starts getting sick, you don't know why, and you hadn't really noticed until it got really bad. Finally the day came when it was his time. He tells you that he loves you very much, etc... He also mentions how he made your mother leave because it was to dangerous at the mine town, and that she loved you too, etc... Finally he gives you a book. You don't take the time to even look at it as you watch your father die.


     The kind of game play I was thinking to do for this part would be a sort of 'playable flashback' (black and white). You can explore the town a bit for a while, until you get bored. Eventually you'll stumble across your own house, (unless you're not going to explore at all). When you reach you're own house the whole 'father death' scene will happen, and then it will transition to present time in the game, smoothly, with a quote like: "I remember that day like yesterday" or something.

Whoa. Sorry for making you read so much... Comments? Feedback?

[Meiscool-2]

Sounds fine.

Also: This really wasn't topic worthy.

[Shamefeeder]

I was sort of struggling to find a topic for this...
I'm not really sure what else I would've put it in... Creative art?  

[Darkfox]

I liked the part where darkness wasn't blamed for his father's illness.

[Shamefeeder]

... Yeah... I didn't quite understand that but... The reason for his death was black lung disease...







...Darkness? I still don't get that, honestly... Go ahead and call me uninformed, because I usually am...




Do you mean figuratively, like "darkness overcame him"?



EDIT: I SEE YOUR ARGUMENT NOW!!! I get it. Now I can sleep soundly. (I just read the whole Godslayer thing).

[Darkfox]

XD!

"He's dead, SOME DARK FORCE DID THIS!"

"This must be the work of DARK MAGIC"

Thats what I meant. Darkness tends to get blamed for a lot of things and when I don't see darkness getting blamed for evil deeds it feels better.

[Shamefeeder]

yeah, I see what you mean. I didn't really think about that before, but I guess it ties into "down-to-Earth."

BTW, Is there going to be ANY more comments or feedback? Because I'll go on with the story...

[SaiKar]

Well it's sort of weird that your mother left because it was too dangerous but a seven year-old boy stayed behind. What kind of mother would abandon their child to a sick and dying man, no matter how good of a father he may have been? Maybe have some other reason for his mother to be gone?

[Darkfox]

Now that Sai'Kar mentions it and I think about it for a bit, whats up with that? It would seem the opposite to be true.

[Dominicy]

*has a sudden fascination with darkfox's avatar and thinks back to when I played a warrior in world of warcraft, making a macro for rend that when I use it I shout 'BLEED!'*

I . . . . . Agree . . . . . . . . (BLEEEED.)

[Meiscool-2]

Originally posted by Dominicy
*has a sudden fascination with darkfox's avatar and thinks back to when I played a warrior in world of warcraft, making a macro for rend that when I use it I shout 'BLEED!'*

I . . . . . Agree . . . . . . . . (BLEEEED.)

In case you've forgotten: YOU ARE HILARIOUS.

[Finality]

Why is a 7 year old boy outside exploring the town without his father while his father is home sick? Can you possibly explain why the character starts out that way. Call me biased (because I am) But I hate those old games where they just put you in someplace because that is where the designer put you and you have to decide why you were even there in the first place.

Not trying to flame your idea. It is good. Just make sure you can explain some reason this poor 7 year old is out on his own. Maybe to get something from the store for said sick father?

Also he said that the father MADE the mother leave because it was too dangerous. That makes sense... but what I wanna know is why he didn't tell her to take the child, or move the whole family away and I'm sorry to say but every idea I think of to make that work is badly cliched...

[Meiscool-2]

Oh quit complaining, all of you.

This intro sounds exactly like Fable, which was awesome. I didn't once think "Oh, where's the mother?" or "Y am i a sevn yr old an i'm walkin round?.?.?"

[Finality]

Fable was a really cool game design with no story to back it up imo. It was fun but lacked all the things that made an RPG an RPG... And stating that having blatant loopholes is not a problem is a cover-up and a step in the wrong direction. You should at least have an answer show up somewhere in the story. I believe even Fable eventually explained why your mom was gone and you were a little kid walking around because you needed to get a birthday present for your sister. Plot holes all filled up.

[Red Giant]

I like it, but Sai's right about the kid left behind thing. It's an interesting variation on the "Childhood tragedy" theme that a lot of games have, but that's not a bad thing especially. Do continue with the story, what be that book aboot?